Cascades

Noah enjoyed his surroundings...little nature boy.
What a beautiful day.
Pixie had a near-death experience.
The pool after the pool where Pixie almost met her maker.

Dream Time

I can remember a fragment of a dream last night, among many fragments none of which seemed to make any real sense but they were remembered all the same. The part that struck me as the most important was the issue of a train. First I was looking out my bedroom window and it was barely morning. I saw a huge black train moving just beyond the treeline in my back yard. It felt as if my house was moving because of the way I was looking at the train (I suppose). Then I went outside and got on a smaller, more futuristic looking train. I strapped in cause it moved more like a rollercoaster (in the same sort of family as the outer limits). We (there was someone else with me but I can't recall who) did several twists and up-side down moves on that train before it stopped. We got off because we had to go back home. I was about half-way home when the young boy who'd been driving the train called out to me. He apologized for not taking me home and said he would go the rest of the way if we wanted him to. That's all I can remember about that.

Some symbolic meanings from Streams:
trains- church movements
bedroom- intimacy
backyard- past or bloodline
window- vision

I remember at some point in another unrelated dream my hair had gotten caught in these hanging thorn branches. I was trying to knock a spider off its string that was hanging in my pathway. And then it changed into a little man (I think) and it started to swing back and forth. That's when I backed up and my hair got caught.

Anyway, just relating a few of the night images. Thanks for emailing your dream Dave. I got it at a crucial time on Sunday, so I don't think it was coincidental.

My Tattoo

Sorry for the blurry image. This is what I'd get...I'll ponder it awhile but I love how it turned out. What ya'll think?

Fridays

I think the first few nights we do this it's gonna be hard. We all arrive before time to start, probably feeling on edge, a few of us handling the last of the sound/decorative details. As the clock rounds 8:00pm, a couple of people walk in, and then a couple more. Someone announces it's time, the lights go out, and we begin. Begin what? What we've all been trained for, prepared for, hoped for. We have nothing to really compare it to, save for our own experiences throughout this small world. The things that have left a mark on who we are today. I know we are more than ready. And this year, being a year of change, is just the right temp and environment for such an endeavor. It's like the Lord has opened the door to a great, big mansion w/ passages and hidden rooms, and secret wealth. We don't have to do anything but be a child within the boudaries He's given us. So, I'm excited, tired, anticipating, a little fearful, all mixed in with some typical amy fierceness/i don't care. Count on probably the preparation meetings doubling until we get started or at least those of you who can come. I think the next wise decision would be to put expresso machines in each household. ;)

Sunday

Like I told a few people, I really, really did not want to do that song Sunday. Something in me was like "hey they're not gonna understand what you're trying to say." It's funny that Chris was thinking the same. The first time was really good. The second time was great in that I felt the beginning of a release that I think is only going to keep coming. When I was done singing, I could barely stand. All I know is the Lord is on the move and real change is coming. I'm barely hanging on but it's been a fun, stretching few months. So, hoping to record Hosea (and Name) soon.

Got tha Blues?

Part of this post is due to the fact that I have two pics, the same pic, of me and I want to push them farther down the pic. So I mentioned I am working on some kind of bluesy song. Here are some of the lyrics I was playing with. I love the fact that the blues was about everyday life, and how the undercurrent beat helped put pain into some kind of manageable/expressible form. Not that I was feeling pain today. But I was feeling a little bluesy.


I heard a bell, it rang
in the early morning wind
Don’t know from where it came
Looks like I got the blues again

(Chorus)
There are mothers without husbands
There are children without fathers
Restore the love that’s run dry
If You’re a man who knows our sorrows

I saw a dog, it died
when the sun was hot and high
Just another dirty day
Looks like I got the blues again

I met a man, he lied
A black-suit lord of the night
He said you do what you can
Looks like I got the blues again

I'm not trying to be vain here. I want to use this as my blog pic too. Anyhoo...massive revelation today. Feels good to hear from my Father and just know who I am in relationship to Him. "A Father disciplines the one He loves." Not that that's all my time with Him consisted of but it was refreshing all the same. It was such a long day yesterday. Lots going on and by the end of the day I was sort of in close-my-heart-off mode. So I repented of that this morning, among other things. It's so easy to do and you feel all dead inside but you don't really realize what's going on until He mentions something about it. I'm working on a blues song. At least the lyrics for it. The tune is another issue. But I thought it would be fun to try.

Fun Stuff (it's 4am)

Everyone check out my latest endeavor: myspace.com/amyfrench

Dad...I need an invite to sign up with gmail. I couldn't use my old email address so I gave one I don't have yet. I hope no one has it yet. :(

In the Workings

Well I wrote this about a week ago and have been tweaking it. Chris I'd like to play it for ya soon and hear what guitar stuff you're hearing. Also, Dad I definately hear some bv's in this one if you want to sing. It was a very dark day for me...don't really remember the specifics but the only thing that gave me comfort was the fact that He is Lord of all and has everything in His hands. Thus I call it "Lord of All."

Verse1:
Am E
All your friends have scattered with the wind
G F
And the darkness as dark as it’s ever been
Am E
But there’s a light that rises on you
G F
and dances in the night till you see the Truth
Am E
Instead of shame, a double portion
G F
Instead of mourning, His compassion


Pre-Chorus:
E F
I see the Lord
C G
Sovereign King, Lord of all
E F
And on a white horse
C G
He rides forth with the dawn


Chorus:
F C
I will trust in You
F C
All my hope is You
F C
The name high above
Am G
All praise to Jesus


Verse2:
Am E
All your trials have got you worn and tired
G F
You’re so scared to even hope again
Am E
But there’s a light that rises on you
G F
and dances in the night till you see the Truth
Am E
Instead of a desert, joy like a river
G F
Instead of rejection, His inheritance

Reflections

I was thinking back to my little escapade to the middle of nowhere somewhere near Charlottesville. What I was thinking about were the people there and how I have a soft spot for broken, forgot-abouts. It meant so much to me to be able to come into their home and minister some kind of hope. I don't mean this as condescending but my heart just overflows with love when I encounter someone who has no hope left, who does not see their potential, who feels like the world exists around them and they were put here somehow mistakenly. I felt the same for the gypsy home group in Macedonia. Those sort of people are closest to God's heart, and are able to tap into a power and grace most of us cannot fathom b/c we're so self-dependent. Anyway, I'll be late for church. Just wanted to share that this morning.

New Format

Just a quick post on my newly formatted blog. So I dreamed last night that there was a woman in a room with Aaron, Jen and I. She had some kind of old gun, sort of like a revolver or 44 mag. We managed to tackle her and then dismantled the gun...took all the bullets out. I also had a gun and tried locking it up in my desk but the lock wouldn't work. I looked to my left and there was a screw sticking out of some dry-wall. I pushed it back into the wall. I wondered what was hanging on the otherside of the wall. And that's it.

1 John 3:16 (funny how it says something similar to John 3:16)

Recaps

i found the nipple pic. sshhh...
luv this pic...very haunting.
some days ya just gotta get out onto God's canvas...nature...er bridges.
going to the chapel and i'm gonna get married...
ducky's pissed and it's not worship!
what a waste of everclear...but whata flame!

The Five Do's of Supernatural Ministry (According to Jim Goll)

1)Earnestly desire spiritual gifts. 1 Chor. 14:1

2)Believe God's prophets and you will succeed. 2 Chron. 20:20

3)Pray the promises back to God. Jer. 29:10

4)Fight the good fight. 1 Tim. 1:18

5)Seek confirmation at all times. Deut. 19:15

Lots of labor for things being birthed. And He does not bring us to the point of delivery and then not go through with it. I had two dreams last night both involving babies in different scenarios. I believe the things He's bringing into existence are the works saved for the end-time church. That's why it's been such a painful process and will continue to be. We need the wisdom to care for His gifts, the discernment in how to execute them, and the perseverence to see them perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

Good Morning to Ya

I woke up this morning with Hosea's chorus part running through my mind: "No I won't leave...no I'll never leave...for there you'll find the door..." I really sensed it was my Father singing over me. The song is coming along nicely. The Jews use to write in the Dorian Mode and if I remember correctly it is mostly composed in minor keys like Gm. So the overall sound of the song to me is Jewish. Chris made a nice transition into one of his songs and it would be neat to do them both perhaps one Friday night and Sunday morning without a break in-between (the songs of course). I was gonna mention something else but I can't be late for work. So ta ta for now.

Birds and Cooks

Friday nights are on. I must admit I have some fears going into this, such as: will I be left standing alone with another broken dream, will it end up being a tedious endeavor that will require more human effort than God strength, will I start to doubt my purpose in it all and bail out with failure to add to my record...BUT at the same time I am excited to see what the Spirit wants to do. I anticipate a new level of life in the Spirit, the kind that comes only through dying to yourself and giving yourself to others. Now that I think about it, I was going to share a dream I had last night and I believe I just got the interpretation concerning the above mentioned things. In my dream I had several small box-like aquariums on a kitchen counter. In them was water, some dirty, some cloudy. In the water were tiny, baby birds and I kept trying to feed them. I would move from container to container and I would say there was about five in all. I had tweezers that I used to lower chicken lunch-meat into the water. Sometimes the chicken would just dissolve. Sometimes it would not make it to the bird. And sometimes I forgot to feed them on time, as they needed a lot of food in the beginning. Eventually all the birds died because they were so young and needed more care than I could give. But there was one last aquarium that I paid special attention to and somehow the bird survived. And the small, ugly hatchling turned into a little man (along with furniture inside the water). I took the container upstairs to the bathroom to show mom. I laid out all the furniture on the bathroom counter and now it was beautiful wood that formed a small living room and one other room that I cannot recall. Wood also formed around the furniture as a floor, giving it the appearance of a log cabin without walls. That's about all I can remember. Anyway, overall I think it addresses my fears in that we can attend to many dreams/visions with great skill (at least to the best of our abilities) but sometimes those things are gonna die cause they're just not the right thing/right time. But they eventually lead to the right thing/right time b/c you've been doing it all along and needed Him to take it to the next stage of life.

A shout out to my homey Dave who'll be leaving us shortly for a short time. We'll miss ya!

Weird Dreams

My first dream last night consisted of me seeing a map...zoomed in to part of Germany. Eventually I was there (I think) walking around in a wooded area. But when I saw the map, there was a part near some water where I felt like a tribe of Hungarians or something to that effect lived. I kept thinking Hungates so that's all I can correlate it with right now. Later I went shopping with Susie and Gab. Gab was upset cause they didn't have a bed made by Abba.com I remember seeing Aaron there too.

Anyway, in my next dream there was this really small creature running around. I kep trying to catch it. Finally it ran into Maranda's room (however the room looked different). Someone had turned on hot water and it was running throughout the room. When I got it, it no longer looked like a small lizard/deer but a little boy. In fact he was large enough now to be a boy and I took him downstairs after having discovered his name was....drumroll....Hungan. Mom was on the couch and I gave him to her. He had a small clay doll with him that she said was probably worth tons of money. He just hugged her and that's all I remember.

So any thoughts?

Remember the Book Worm in KQVI?

Feeling better today. I've been doing a lot of reading lately and I started last night John Elderidge's first book co-written with Brent Curtis called The Sacred Romance. I've always wanted to read this one because his friend Brent died tragically a short time after it was written and John makes mention of him in other books. Like Wild at Heart, Captivating, and Waking the Dead, it deals with reviving the heart from which the wellsprings of life flow. Here's a quote from it which I believe to be a good summation of what the book is about:

Romance is the deepest thing in life, romance is deeper even than reality.--G.K. Chesterson

The Romance whispers that we are someone special, that our heart is good because it is made for someone good; the Arrows tell us we are dime a dozen, worthless, even dark and twisted, dirty. Where is life to be found? The Romance tells us life will flourish when we give it away in love and heroic sacrifice. The Arrows tell us that we must arrange for what little life there may be, manipulating our world and all the while watching our backs. "God is good," the Romance tells us. "You can release the well-being of your heart to Him." The Arrows strike back, "Don't ever let your life out of control," and they seem to impale with such authority, unlike the gentle urges of Romance, that in the end we are driven to find some way to contain them. The only way seems to be to kill our longing for the Romance, much in the same way we harden our heart to someone who hurts us. If I don't want so much, we believe, I won't be so vulnerable. Instead of dealing with the Arrows, we silence the longing. That seems to be our only hope. And so we loose heart.

Recaps From Wonder

I finished this book about a week ago and it is really amazing. Same sort of flavor as Lewis' Weight of Glory. I recommend it if you're in the mood for some Spirit filled apologetics. Here are some of my favorite recaps from Recapture the Wonder:

On heaven:

The existential longing for the ultimate in beauty and serenity--that is heaven. To start with, knowing what it means to live by essence and not by function--what it means to be, apart from what it means to do--nudges open the door of understanding. In heaven, faith becomes sight. We see His presence in a way that our earthly being can never envision. (I am jumping around a bit here). In the human body, touch is a critical sensation. We know so much through touch, both of love and pain. Jesus introduces here the one aspect that is indispensable to the full enjoyment of sight and touch--purity. "Blessed are the pure in heart for they will see God."

G. K. Chesterson once said that man is a misshapen monster with his feet set forward and his head set back. In other words, he wants to move forward, striving, grasping, climbing, but deep inside he knows that if he is to find rest at the end of the day, he must head back home or he will be dining with a different family each night---and even a banquet gets monotonous if you feast every night. Coming home to where the wonder is, is the way to retain it in perpetual rest of heart. In other words, progress and common points of return are not mutually exclusive idea. Because origination and destination are identitical venues does not expel progress.


Well...I am still feeling weary and worn out from this damnable cold. It doesn't seem to be getting better. It's one of those green snot, stuck down in the chest colds. I hate sleeping though...such a waste of time. So I try to do stuff and get all frustrated cause nothing seems very productive. Prince of Persia time. Peace out my homies.

Some Party Pics

Sable Pics #2

If only I had a time machine.
Ready for war, these brave men know not sleep nor mercy.
Caught em sitting on a branch and then the branch fell. Now we know who's been stealing the reserves.
Boom! You're dead.

Amy's Sable Pics

I am stalking the director. Fun times. I won't go public with this pic if you give me a free t-shirt damn you.
Our brave hero. I wonder what his demise will be.
The demolition team. They use to blow up helpless ground in my parents backyard. I am glad to say it has not all been for not. Their training had a purpose.

Mr. Frank Mosely in the middle...my old history teacher in seventh grade who now works at Barnes. The guy on the far right was from Scottland. They're his boys...ride on rough riders.

Increased Spiritual Activity

I was laying in bed today, waking up from a nap and I saw a flash of light near my computer. Not thirty seconds later got a whiff of something sweet, almost like roses. I thought hhmm maybe Maranda just sprayed some perfume but then I didn't smell it again. If it were coming from her room I would have smelled it longer. Then I thought well maybe I smelled an angel and decided to read the chapter in Goll's Seer book about discernment. He writes, "Many people have testified to sensing the presence of the Lord accompanied by the smell of roses." I definately thought that was cool. I've never smelled the Lord before and my sense of smell is very acute. Jona's word to me on Saturday night had to do with this and creativity. He said I'd begin to experience increased activity during times of worship etc. I believe him because he knew nothing about me. I asked him to pray for me because of areas of creative frustration and stifling. He said that I had not encountered the Lord in some time and that that is why I feel a lot of life is purposeless right now. But he said to keep pursuing the Lord because He wants to encounter me again. He said during these times we have to hold firm to the promises. And he is right. It's been over four years now since I saw the Lord. It's not depression it's divine desparation. I know I will see the Lord again. This is my hope and my reason for life. Everything changes when we see Him as He is. I haven't been so excited in a long time...for all the Lord is doing in this area. I am eager to get on with worship training perhaps for the mere purpose of working with a team on Friday nights. I have been talking to many people and they are excited have some sort of young adult/college what have you thing starting up again. I don't wish to limit this to one particular age group. I hope all ages can come and feel the freedom of the Spirit during that time.

KAK COLLAB

This our collaboration project in the making.

Verse1:
I wanted You near
Cause You are
I wanted Your touch
Cause You are
I wanted Your love
Cause You are
More than I see

Verse2:
I will not hide
Cause You are
I will not run
Cause You are
I will not turn
Cause You are
Surrounding me

Chorus:
I will call You Holy (Jesus)
I will call You Savior (Jesus)
I will call You Worthy (Jesus)
I will call You by name (Set us free)

Rich with a Cup O Tea

I had the best dream last night and woke up feeling so refreshed. I told my Dad thank you and thank you. All it really consisted of was John Paul Jackson praying for me. But during that time I sensed the Spirit so strong, as if I were actually sinking into Him. Anyway, the theme of thankfulness and gratitude was on my heart even as I continued to read a little from a book of mine. So I wrote a little thing and here it is. I was just trying to say that you get the most wonder out of life from appreciating the small things that He give us everyday and fellowship with our family.

It seems today I've no one left to thank
I'm so grateful that this life is mine
I told the mailman he gets it here on time
I told my friend we're laughing at the impossible past
I told my dad you're alot of what I want to be

But there's still a sky full of possibility
And there's wonder even in the night
If I had a chance to tell you my mind
We might miss our plane and those great big dreams
We're one in the same, rich with a cup of tea

What's Up Yo

Tonight Katie, Carly and I gathered to do a little worshipping together. We talked about our preferred styles and tastes, did a little praying and then started singing to my limited guitar skills. We sang whatever what was on our hearts and anything that stood out Katie wrote down. Then I took that stuff and put it into some form. I think what we have is gonna be a really cool worship song. We want to do it together one Sunday. I'll post it soon. Carly has a higher, black gospel sorta voice. I can really see her singing out in the background at certain spots. Katie's is higher also but not as high as Carly's. And then I come in with the ole Celtic Folk feel. It was a very freeing and fun time. Last night I had a dream that I was talking to Rick on the phone about us three getting together. He started to cry because he was pleased that we were doing that. Many times in the past I believe Rick has represented the Father in my dream.

Thursday I am meeting with a girl I went to highschool with to talk about working for the Roanoke Times. She does photography for them and she has good connections with other staff writers. I am eager to venture into this side of writing whilst getting paid for it. But I'm not sure what it will entail. So be praying for me that the Lord will open the right doors and close the wrong ones.

If you have any suggestions let me know...I can try to make changes. This copy is so marked up it's going to need to be copied. Sorry this pic isn't very clear. Just thought you'd like to check it out.

This is Our Battle

People are getting together tonight after dance in the sanctuary to pray and war for Brandon. I wish I could be there unfortunately I have to work. So if you can spare thirty minutes or so please do it. A few of us are going to try to meet at least once a week to persevere in this. And remember to pray in faith, not in fear. Confess what you don't see till you do. He's part of our body and passivity has no place here.

Hosea

Well this has been on my heart for a while. I would love to hear it put to a ballad-like tune on the piano...hint hint. So Chris if you have some stuff floating around in that noggin' of yours that would be way cool. I want to keep it simple. Anyway, let me know if you come up with anything. I think the piano would really compliment it.


I'm calling it Hosea for right now cause that's where the inspiration came from.

Verse1:
This one You said she’s beautiful
And You knew her so deeply
before her days began as a child
Everything she would be wonderful
In her youth trusting a holy love

Verse2:
It was You who taught her to walk
She walked away into other arms
sold her heart for a dying comfort
when all along it was Your healing
It was Your pleasure she needed

Chorus1:
Then You said one day
You’re gonna change your mind
One day you will loose Me
in the sands of Achor
But I won’t leave
No I’ll never leave
For there you’ll find the door
that leads to freedom

Chorus2:
Then You said one day
You’re gonna change your mind
One day you will remember Me
in the sands of Achor
Still I love all the same
Still I love all the more
No longer call me master
but find me your husband

Warrior

Here's an image I had to get down this morning. There's really not a form or set rhyme scheme, as is common in all my stuff I suppose. But I thought I'd share it nonetheless.

I am a warrior
I rise with the sun
The light on my face
I strap on my breastplate
I fit it to my size
I examine my sword
Its sharpened by His hand
I throw it into the air
Cutting the morning mist
I breathe heavily
And sheathe my weapon
By the belt of Truth
I am warrior
For the sake of peace
And justice and righteousness
I clothe my legs
In the strength of the Spirit
I walk in His ways
And seek His face
I clasp my feet
With the steadfastness of peace
For all endurance
Through patience given
So that I may run in such a way
As to win the prize
And at last my eyes
Are hidden behind
A helmet of salvation
His grace I wear upon my mind
Until we will see Him as He is
Face to face
I am a warrior
Ready for battle
In the name of the Lord of Hosts
His is the victory
His is the glory
His is the honor forever

Hickory

Well looks like I'm gonna hit up Morningstar this Friday and then crash at the Mearns' until Alan's show Saturday night. I'm looking forward to hearing some awesome music on both ends! I feel like I'm leaving for Ireland all over again. Tear drop, drip, drip. I was watching Dances with Wolves the other night and the fact that Costner is living admist a group of people who don't speak his language and whose culture is completely different from his, made me miss Serbia and Macedonia. As I watched Su Mani Tu Tanka Owachi (my spelling of course) attempt to learn their speach I was reminded of my own endeavors to learn Serbian and Macedonian. The experience is exciting and rewarding. I hope to return soon, perhaps with the interns this May.

Chris...we have a part for Meg in the video. It's a cracked-out part but I think she would be perfect. That's me making light of something that I think will be very powerful. Anyway, I'm sure we'll talk more later about it.

Updates

Saturday went great...thanx to all who came out! I am eager to hear the finished product whilst getting other songs rolling on the recording phase. Keith seems to have ideas flowing for an ashes remix. For the video though I think I will use the original b/c it is 8 minutes and the remix will probably be half that. Hopefully I can get a copy to you Neil before you head out. I hear VA Tech plays originals on their radio station so I'm thinking of sending them a copy. Why not?

Looking forward to going to Hickory Saturday night. I'm eager to meet some of the peops coming. It should be a great show. Gracie put your snib down!

Death to Fatalism

It's odd how common the phrase "Que sera, sera" really is among a culture far from the time of Greek rule. Whatever will be, will be. Odd to me because the youth and young adults of this age seem to declare very ardently that they want it their way. So which is it? I am reading a great book right now by Ravi Zacharias, an apologist equalling C.S. Lewis, I would say. It's called Recapture the Wonder. I read a chapter while at work one day and then decided to buy it. Zacharias writes that "fatalism is the creed of a will that is dying to its possibilities and seeks to drag the imagination with it. Resignation to life as a 'so it is' carved in stone is the cynical response of the one who does not know the grand triumph of the imagination that God has fashioned for us." A Spanish mystic is quoted as saying: "May God deny you peace and give you glory." I don't think finding wonder, the fulfillment of hope in our dreams, the enchantment of our emotions, is as difficult as we make it out to be but there is certainly a cost. The cost is not denying ourselves of our dreams. I am reminded of Lewis' argument in Screwtape. If we forsake the things we enjoy only to do the right thing then the enemy has a hand on us for we've lost a part of our heart to him. Eventually "doing the right thing" grows boring to us and we've mistaken that for who God is. Thus God is boring to us. Zacharias makes a similar argument. Wonder in life restores an eternal enchantment to our senses without forsaking reason. I think having a fatalistic mindset is as tragic as forsaking a dream. Jesus said that the violent take the kingdom by force, did He not? Who is the ruler of circumstances and death and disease on this earth? Why would letting be what will be turn out any other way than according to the enemy's design? As Christians we're given tools to access eternal resources and wisdom. But such precious jewels will only be found once we cut through the waste and distraction. I suppose I might just see things a little differently sometimes. I imagine that if I had to go to war for the sake of a city, those that hide themselves in the city would probably have an attitude much like the fatalists. If we lost, they would die at the hands of their enemy or live under oppression. If we won, they would eventually die anyway and not having fought at all they will never know what it meant to risk their lives for something greater than themselves. I would know at least a taste of true freedom, a freedom from the fear of destruction, and if I survived, having attuned my heart to the revelation of that wonder, I could thereafter recognize and receive any more to come.

A Bit of Ranting

You ever feel like everything you thought you were is snatched away instantly one day? And all your energy goes into fighting to know if those things you saw in yourself were true or if they were illusion? That's how I've felt for the better of five months probably. But I think the simple truth is that you would not be fighting if those things were not true. I think there is a difference between foolish zealousness and Spirit warring. With the latter you are given something from the Father that goes totally against what your circumstances are and who you appear to be at the moment. You don't know in your own heart if it is so. You almost wish you could wake up and hear something closer to reality: you're a failure etc. Then it's ok to settle. But no, the Father keeps speaking a higher calling. You can ignore what He's saying and settle into busyness or routine or distraction. Believe me, I have done all those things. Slowly your heart grows cold to the depths of the Spirit's guidance and wisdom. Foolish zealousness achieves the very same thing. I want to be such and such, I want to be so and so (not necessarily a particular person but someone you've created in your mind) at whatever cost. You gain the whole world. Alot of the time the enemy wants us to suceed b/c we have more authority to do harm to ourselves and others. The Father never stops telling us who we are to Him. We might be able to run for a time but then the truth is always so much more devastating to our hearts when He does get a hold of us again. I mean that in a bitter-sweet way; we are grateful because the forgiveness is more than we'll ever be able to repay.

All that to say, I have come to some conclusion about who I am through the past months. And it's not failure or foolishness. I was even angry with God one day. I told him, "Not only do people think I'm crazy, they think You're crazy!" As my mom always intervenes with, I care too much about others opinions. So I asked the Lord to forgive me. But then, I read in a book by Ravi Zachiarrias about how Israel rejected the Lord through the history of the prophets. God warns Israel to keep Him close to their hearts or else they will forget He is the One who delivered them from Egypt. What happens?--they forget. The most poignant to my heart was when he got to Hosea. You know the story. Israel is compared to a harlot who rejected the Lover that found her as a child, cared for her, and then married her. The Lover continued to love despite Israel's unfathifulness. However, it gets worse. When the story continues to Malachi, God is even more hurt. Now we are not harlots. We are worse. We pay others to sleep with us and then we declare, "How God have you helped us?" But God does not stop at their bickering and forget them. He says He will send His Son.

I don't care how people view me so much anymore. I don't care if I think myself a fool or a failure if it's not what He sees. I know He will deal with those who think lightly of Him or who do not think on Him at all and it will be in a way I cannot imagine.

Cool Dream

My family and I drove this van to the moon. I knew that you could buy tickets for around $4500 dollars to get there. I remember them opening the van doors and me thinking I would not be able to breathe. Once outside though dad and I drove around on a small vehicle. There were plateaus of snow and then huge mountains that had grass on them. Dad was driving pretty fast and then he went off a small cliff; though it scared me he knew what he was doing. We ended up in some house where more people came to have a prayer meeting. Someone had taken my "Part of Me" song and produced it w/ some other girl's bv's. We sat in a circle to hear people's prayer needs. And that's about all I remember.

It's been a hard month. Not in the sense of extreme battling but having to catch those little foxes. Part of me feels like it's just plain lazy and forgets what it means to have discipline. At the same time it's been a rewarding month with music and fellowship breakthroughs. I'm excited about new opportunities opening up. I've been so blessed by knowing His faithfulness.

New Year Brings in New Times

Real quick....I had so much fun playing with Ben and Neil tonight on that new song of mine. Ben picked up what I wanted to hear very fast and Neil was right behind him with his drumming. I feel like it a was a sort of stepping out for me. I wasn't with Dad or Chris whom I usually play with. I'm learning to move in His confidence and it is so freeing! I can't wait to hear the electric and bass added to the song. We definately have to work out some of the kinks but for the first time playing it, I was so blessed. Thank You King Jesus...You are so faithful. You always sweep me off my feet when I least expect it. I love the people here You've placed in my life who are so willing to walk beside me and sacrifice their time and talent. I just absolutely love hearing everyone's abilities meshing together to glorify You.

PS Chris when are you coming home? We gotta play some together soon too!!!

PPS It wasn't ashes but the failfulness one. We can do ashes whenever bodgy is free.

PPPS I loved King Kong! I liked the captain and Adrian Brody. Visual stunning....I don't think I have ever said "Oh my gosh" so many times in one hour. And I can't say I have ever cried over an ape before. Jack Black you're a jerk!

Holiday Spoils

Favorite Random gifts:

hand-crafted drawing book
Narnia X-box game
Bob Dylan t-shirt from Buckle

Favorite Recent Purchases:

Vest from Banana Republic
Molly Williams cd, Flyleaf cd (yes I did it)

Things to look forward to:

The Numbers show January 16th (Grace Mearns' bro's new band)
recording Ashes and others
going through the worship team process (haha)

Merry Christmas!

Modifications Set #2

Yo yo what up to all my fans. Hhmm I had all this random funniness to say but it all slipped away. Beware to all who cross my path in the next oh say for the rest of my life...I might tell ya what I really think of you. :) I was so proud of myself last night at work. This guy who is usually very friendly and chatty just started an argument with me. AND I hate to argue...I really do. I usually try to avoid it at all costs. But that's not the way to go either. So I said what I thought and got mad but didn't feel hurt afterwards. It was great. Today I was able to tell dad what I really wanted to get out of this song we're working on and that was good too; instead of just being like "oh cool..." In the words of Harry (from when Harry met Sally) "I feel like I am growing." ANyway...I've been changing that song around some more. Here's how it reads as of right now.

Verse1:
I’m just a kid falling in quicksand
I know it’s obvious all my sin
But You fan this eternal spark
I got into more of Your passion
On the clearest day it’s us speaking
till the joy and the rain make me clean

Pre-Chorus:

Cause when I cry out to You like a little child

Yeah You turn all my fears into something wild
(last time through: You answer me, You comfort me, You cherish and adore me)


Bridge:

I’ve been with you where ever you’ve gone

And I will not take away My unfailing love


Chorus:

How great is His faithfulness, how great it is

How great is His faithfulness, how great


Verse2:
I try to hide, me and Jesus
It’s plain I run, time and again
When I’m out of breath, feeling worthless
It’s easier to sleep and dream how
Your plans are deeper than the seas
and my best living is at Your feet

Modifications

Well I changed it up a bit to fit the music and also just what my heart wanted to say. Can't wait to get it really down and start singing it for some peops! I never meant for it to seem dismal...ie shea's response to the first time I posted it. It's more like a confession of how much we are sinners but all the more how faithful He is. The bridge was His response to me one day...it's somewhere in Isaiah I think. Anyway...need to play it with dad and get all the little bugs out.


Verse1:
I’m just a kid falling in quicksand
I know it’s obvious all my sin
But You fan this eternal spark
You fan it into Your passion

Pre-Chorus:

When I cry out to You like a little child

You turn all my fears into something wild


Bridge:

I’ve been with you where ever you’ve gone

And I will not take away My unfailing love


Chorus:

How great is His faithfulness, how great it is

How great is His faithfulness, how great


Verse2:
I try to hide, me and Jesus
It’s plain I run, time and again
But Your plans are deeper than the seas
and my best living is at Your feet

Jen and I decided that we wanted to dye our hair. I wanted red highlights and Jen wanted to dye hers darker with light brown highlights. Of course the reason that the price of professional hair care and Wal-mart bought products is about a $70 difference is this: mine turned out to be bright pink, and Jen had a sort of orangish tint. I have not laughed so hard...well I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard. So we immediately drove to Kroger, and re-dyed our hair. If my highlights had extended down to the tips I might have kept them. But instead the roots seemed to be the only thing that took the color. Anyway, it is a great story. I've been telling people all day at the expense of my pride. :) I wish I had taken a picture.

From Experiencing the Depths of Jesus Christ

Well I was given this book several years ago by Dustin Wauer. It is great for morning readings as the chapters are very short and read like devotionals. Something really spoke to me this morning. I love it when that little bit of warmth touches you somewhere deep inside, and you know you've been communing with the Divine. Let's have a pause.

Selah

I should say that feelings shouldn't dictate whether or not you know you've been hearing or experiencing God. Sometimes they do, sometimes there are none, yet there is still His voice. Usually the feelings are more intense in the beginning because He wants to encourage you that you can speak with Him. And then gradually they fade, or are more sparse, so as to build faith. It is impossible to please Him without faith. Do you think Noah or Abraham needed the little feelings or the faith to withstand almost a generation of ridicule and testing?

The quote:

Does abandonment end revelation? No, it does not. Quite the contrary, abandonment is the means that the Lord will use to give you revelation. The revelation you receive will come to you as reality rather than knowledge. This is made possible only by abandonment. You must remember to whom you are abandoning yourself.

As revelation comes to you, something happens; Jesus Christ actually makes an imprint of Himself upon your soul. Each time He comes to you, He leaves a new and different impression of His nature upon you.

Reflect on the last part in the contex of abandonment. He may come in many ways and forms but He is most real when we've chosen to just fall into Him. I prefer the reality of revelation as opposed to the knowledge kind. Both are legit. The reality kind is when you start to realize the Spirit is walking right beside you, or you're allowed a little glimpse into the beauty of the Father. I don't know if I've ever had an intense encounter with Jesus. I have seen Him in dreams...three times. I should make that my prayer for this season.

Oh wait, I take that back. Once in my room I was praying and there was one particular spot where I would look and I felt overwhelmed with the presence of the Lord. I kept hearing, the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. I would look back down at my journal, write for a minute, and look back to that spot. I'd feel another wave and the scripture again. I did not see anything but I knew the Lord was there. I suppose it was Jesus. But I shall pray for another encounter with Him all the same.

C-hristmas

Can I just say quickly that Shea, James, and Paul I have a special surprise for you all this Sunday. I don't know if I can wait that long but I will try. It's merely a trifle however I know you three will appreciate it. I tried to incorporate something of you into it and I think, for the small amount of time put into, I have succeeded. So be excited, be be excited.

Your Faithful Friend-

Amy Elise "MadFrenchkiss" French

Who's A College Graduate?

The Problem of Pain

Well due to all our musings from today about hurts and relationships I decided to go to a pro. Here is a quote I found from Lewis and his book, The Problem of Pain. When it comes to really loving people I get fired up. We're suppose to no matter the cost to our own lives. The term has become so watered down and meaningless. I doubt if any of us knows what it truly means to love but we are all in the process of learning.

The problem of reconciling human suffering with the existence of a God who loves, is only insoluble so as we attach a trivial meaning to the word "love", and look on things as if man were the centre of them. Man is not the centre. God does not exist for the sake of man. Man does not exist for his own sake. "Thou hast created all things and for thy pleasure they are and were created." (Rev. 4:11) We were made not primarily that we may love God (though we were made for that too) but that God may love us, that we may become objects in which Divine love may rest 'well pleased.' To ask that God's love should be content with us as we are is to ask that God should cease to be God: because He is what He is, His love must, in the nature of things, be impedded and repelled, by certain stains in our present character, and because He already loves us He must labour to make us loveable...........What we would here and now call our happiness is not the end God chiefly has in view: but when we are such as He can love without impediments, we shall in fact be happy.

But God's love, far from being caused by goodness in the object, causes all the goodness which the object has, loving it first into existence and then into real, though derivative, lovability. God is goodness. He can give good, but cannot need or get it. In that sense all His love is, as it were, bottomlessly selfless by very definition; it has everything to give and nothing to receive. Hence if God sometimes speaks as though the Impassible could suffer passion and eternal fullness could be in want, and in want of those beings on whom it bestows all from their bare existence upwards, this can only mean, if it means anything intelligible by us, that God of mere miracle has made Himself able so to hunger and created in Himself that which we can satisfy. If He requires us, the requirement is of His own choosing.

Frenchie is out for the evening...

New Song, Painting, and Tea & Trumpets

Well I'm gonna post these new lyrics. Haven't got the melody pinned down for the verses yet but it's coming along. It's funny cause I don't really practice when my roomies are home. It's still such a private thing. Feels weird sometimes. I'm gonna have Noah's painting done by Christmas. Today is a painting day. I saw JJ one day at Barnes and felt inspired by a DJ pic he was drawing. Anyway, here's the latest:

Verse1:
All my falling in this quicksand it seems
I'm just a kid running blind in the dark
But it's okay cause I got an eternal spark
that won't let me go down too far

Pre-chorus:
So can I cry out to You like a little child?
Will You turn my fear into something wild?

Chorus:

How great is His faithfulness, how great it is
How great is His faithfulness, how great ( repeat)

Verse2:
All my worries can't shake this ground
that I found because You first loved me
And quieted my soul from ocean to sound
where my best living is at Your feet

Bridge:
I've been with you where ever you've gone
And I will not take away my unfailing love

It's definately a worship song to me...Was really encouraged on Sunday by some people's reactions to the video. Still pondering the worship team thing. I need to go for it...there are so many awesome places we could go (both in the Spirit and in travel). I want that free, inspired, creative release to flow through the leaders.

Aslan Comes to Town

I do not want to spoil too much of the movie for ya if you haven't seen it yet. Two of my favorite parts were however:

The scene in which Susan and Lucy are stranded in the tree by two wolves and Peter comes to their rescue. Aslan soon follows but instead of killing the wolves in one quick move he steps on one and allows the other to circle Peter. He says "Stay back...this fight is Peter's" or something like that. He knows the young king needs to know himself that he has what it takes to be a king. The wolf taunts Peter, "You don't have the courage. You're only playing..." Finally the wolf plunges and Peter slays it. Aslan allows the other wolf to go, telling his men to follow it because it will lead them to Edmund. I felt like this displayed the Lord's wisdom when most often we don't understand it but we are called to trust.

And I love the ending when Aslan is leaving and Lucy is upset. Mr. Tumnus tells her that they will see him again but you never know when. "For He is not a tame lion."

I also liked the part when the White Witch asks Aslan, "How do I know you will keep your promise?" And He just roars. She immediately sits down in her seat, looking dismayed.

I cannot say how much this movie uplifted my heart...to see King Jesus in the light of battle and His children's destinies. "Once a king or queen, always a king or queen." Long live the Lion!

After A Restless Night

Current mood: "All I really have amidst of these settings suns, city lights at best, portraits of my friends, but they don't make amends for this ridiculous mess."-JohnMark

Hold Me, Holy

So Sheamus recently made a music video of Hold Me with footage from New Orleans. It looks great. He gets to present it to a church in Ashville next Sunday. I think I'm gonna go and help represent. The chorus gets me all the time with faces of people and all the destruction of buildings. "I will not forget you..." That was a blessing, to see that song visually complimented.

In other news I've been praying about the possibility of hooking up with the worship team. I always joke about running off with Morningstar's team. But if I'm gonna really fight for anyone why wouldn't I fight for DP? As of right now that is my conclusion. I could go anywhere, do anything really but until the Lord says "go" I'm not moving. Hey was that a word I got in Serbia anyhow? Everything in me is wanting to run somewhere, be a part of something great. And He definately covers our mistakes but I heard a great definition of wisdom once. A. W. Tozer writes: "Wisdom, among other things, is the ability to devise perfect ends and to acheive those ends by the most perfect means. It sees the end from the beginning, so there can be no need to guess or conjecture. Wisdom sees everything in focus, each in proper relation to all, and is thus able to work toward predestined goals with flawless precision." He goes on to say that, "All God's acts are done in perfect wisdom, first for His own glory, and then for the highest good of the greatest number for the longest time. And all His acts are pure as they are wise, and as good as they are wise and pure." Still better, "Not only could His acts not be better done: a better way to do them could not be imagined. An infinitely wise God must work in a manner not to be improved upon by finite creatures."

Here's a good scripture concerning Don Potter's words and those of wisdom: "A person's words can be life-giving water; words of true wisdom are as refreshing as a bubbling brook." Proverbs 18:4

Is William Hurt in tha House?

The Don Potter conference was a breath of fresh air to put it in understandable cliche terms. I felt refreshed with the joy of the Spirit for the better part of the weekend. Not the rolling on the floor the whole time incapacitated kind but alive and enjoying laughing at my own jokes kind! He had a way of getting straight to the point without a whole lot of irrelevant information. I find that being deep and being real are completely different things sometimes. You can be deep without ever addressing heart issues but Don seemed to cut straight to the heart. He never left you feeling hurt or sorry that you went there but always wanting more. I think that is the way of the Spirit's true counsel. I shan't make him out to be a god or suggest that everything he said was valid Truth...however for the most part I felt the Lord speaking again and the confidence to trust that I am hearing Him. If we lack confidence then we will certainly never hear from Him. We might experience Him or see His miracles but we might miss the day to day impartation of His voice to us. Something I felt further confirmed was a word I had received several years ago at Morningstar. They said that I had the eyes of a seer...to see the church's foundation for what it ought to be and how to get there and also that I would see into my peers' lives into the things that are hindering them. So oftentimes I feel these checks to put it in charasmatic terminology...like something just isn't right. Something that might seem like wisdom when in fact it is the wisdom of man and not the wisdom of God. The wisdom of God is foolishness to those who cannot discern spiritual matters...ie the cross. But the way of the Lord is through humility for He must receive all the glory and it is through the cross for nothing lives without first being subjected to His death and resurrection, and it is a holy way...must be set apart or else the tarnishment of this world will eventually snuff it out. The way of the Lord is love or else you are nothing but a clanging gong and the way of the Lord is through His Spirit for there is the strength and the peace to endure. So the other night I had a dream about jewels. Christine Potter mentioned a specific wisdom coming, a wisdom like jewels. And in my dream there was an ocean full of these jewels. Someone was standing at the edge of the sea looking out into the water. The sky was blood red and the jewels were on fire...submerged in the water. There is this part in Jason Upton's new song "The Way of the Lord" where he goes into the sort of exchange that Jesus gave us...gives us. He took our vain ambition and turned it into friendship. How many times did He turn the other cheek when He could have hit us with our own hate? To the world that is foolishness. And it's funny to say the "world" like we're never a part of it. We might be called to be holy but so often we still mingle in its mindsets. We might be called the sons and daughters of God but we still want sh*t from the pig trough if that means we don't have to really put the effort into a better way. We can have the title but not the character of what it means to be His child. And then we only reap judgment on ourselves because His house will be like a pure bride when He returns. It's not like well if ya feel like getting cleaned up. The Lord is coming with a sword in His mouth. Anyway...I'm going on ain't I? Time fa dinna.

Here We Go

Well I'm off to the conference. Current mood...not sure. I feel like the one to whom Jesus said sell it all and follow me. I have news for ya...He means everyday. So literally I'm gonna sell my old snowboard. Spiritually I hope to get wasted on His presence this weekend. I need something very real, so in the words of John Mark..."wouldja come?"

Finally I Found It!

I've been looking for this poem for some time. It's an W.H. Auden poem about heroes. I love it...check it out:

He parried every question that they hurled:
"What did the Emperor tell you?" "Not to push."
"What is the greatest wonder of all the world?"
"The bare man Nothing in the Beggar's Bush."

Some muttered, "He is a cagey for effect.
A hero owes a duty to his fame.
He looks too like a grocer for respect."
Soon they slipped back into his Christian name.

The only difference that could be seen
From those who'd never risked their lives at all
Was his delight in details and routine.

For he was always glad to mow the grass,
Pour liquids from large bottles into small,
Or look at clouds through bits of coloured glass.

Auden had a way of finding the extroidinare in the routine of our daily lives. The artist he states in the last stanza is capable of finding beauty in the smallest of things. The hero is the man who mows his lawn on a regular basis but who is able to still see art in the things around him.

The End of an Era

As I near the final days of my last English class, and even more importantly, the final words of my final BA of the Arts paper, I wanted to share a quote from me, the author. Indeed, I felt inspired for it is a subject that touches me as few friends would understand. The arts, the redemption of something that oozes from the the pores of the Father. Perhaps the wildest frontier of them all. So here it is:

I preferred Richard Poirer’s words that “innovation in the arts is a form of cultural heroism.” Most of us in some way or another I believe are wanting to be that hero to one person and maybe even to many; to redirect the highways from east coast to west coast so that they not only go north to south but down to up; to reinvent a child that has become old and crippled without sight or speech. There are attempts in every generation for that innovative shift in the arts and it is like the present age holds its breath until the savior of the written language is revealed. Man is not the judge but the words themselves. They reflect not only a deeper revelation from a collected pool of literary devices but something of the times, a common stream that is history’s ink. There are heroes in war, heroes at work, heroes at home, and heroes behind the pen. To be so bold as to challenge reliable technique, sensible creativity, marketable subject matter and so on is perhaps bolder than one with a gun in battle. The artist risks his or her own reputation and livelihood to challenge the monuments of literary gods. He or she risks being misunderstood, overlooked, and forgotten. It is a great challenge to the resolve of a human being to leap where there is no visible ground.

Well I achieved at procrastinating a little longer. I think success is greatest determined by not whether or not man's recognition and respect is given to you but by the amount of failure you have encountered and chosen to overcome. Anyone who seeks the favor of man is in my opinion a coward and a fake. The facade of popular opinion is like a smokescreen for a disfigured and dying beast. It is better to present the true form, expose it to all humanity's ridicule until everything that is destructable is destroyed and everything that is lasting remains. But here I am sipping on coffee at almost 5 am and all these words well they might be a smokescreen for the inadequacies of a student. So one most know when to say enough is enough and I bid you adeu.

"We are All More than We Know"

Well today was a particularly drab day. I ran into my old history teacher from seventh grade. He is now working at Barnes. I hate the question...so what are you gonna do with your English degree? That was only a minor irritation. But lately it seems my family has been under attack and I always have some fear that it could get as bad as it once was. I know that's not true...the Lord is at work in all our lives and His protection surrounds us. Still, I have to wonder how bad things will get before they get better. All in all I feel helpless in everything. I need to work more, paint more, write more. But my thoughts keep wandering to the more present issues at hand. Anyway, I read a cool quote from Kafka today. He said concerning backing down from people and situations that cause suffering, "it may be that this very holding back is the one evil you could have avoided."

Show Me

Well some of the verses correlate to past memories...not exactly but the feel to them. So now seeing where the Lord has brought my family I feel like I could sing bout something like this with authority. I want it to be a sorta rockish song in the style of evanescence. In the chorus I imagine someone yelling the "Won't You show me" part. Probably I would sing the first two verses before going into the chorus...but needs a melody so I will have to wait and see.

Verse1:
I can hear mom crying
through a dirty window pane
And I wonder if she’ll win today
the fight to get out of the dark
or if there’s a time set apart
for us to be happy again

Pre-chorus1:
What if you’re cherished
and what if there’s a chance
the broken are redeemed?

Verse2:
Your daddy never told you
just how beautiful you are
and it shows in the way you walk
wanting their words, their looks
In shame you hide your heart
cause it’s too late to start again

Pre-chorus2:
What if you’re worthy
and what if there’s a love
that could make you free?

Verse3:
There are so many hurting
left bleeding and rejected
But Your cross is calling
something deep and beautiful
like a breeze in their prison
that blows wide the doors

Pre-chorus:
I’m here to say one day
Your glory will shatter
all this ugliness and death

Chorus:
Won’t You show me
What’s true in this misery
Won’t You show me
Cause I am so weak
Won’t You show me
Everything You see
Won’t You show me
All of Your glory

Joyner Jolt

He states on one of his teaching cd's that the true spirit of prophesy will see the glory in the driest of bones. If one stands on the mountain and sees the glory of the Lord, the valley cannot change that. The person will change the valley. That goes for people too. We must ask the Lord to show us what He sees because the world does enough of criticizing and accusing the brethren.

What a busy weekend. I think the talent show went over very well aside from the fact that it was like ten hours long. I really enjoyed singing From the Ashes with a full harmonic accompaniment. A lot of people showed up for it and a heck of a lot of talent was released. Sunday morning sort of got the brunt of my stress from the previous day I believe. Thanks to all who came out to my birthday partee...but I think next year I might run away to a little pennisula in Italy and enjoy the exotic food and sunset. This morning was a bit of a lazy one. I woke up at ten...listened to a Joyner cd and fell back asleep. Then Ducky called and said we might have the opportunity to open up for Disciple in February. That would be a blast. I still haven't received my John Mark cd in the mail nor have I bought Upton's new one yet. Looking forward to some new music to worship to. Here are a few pointers I really liked from this morning's teaching:

If God is in the process of bringing back the Tabernacle then he must also be in the process of raising up warriors and worshippers. Joyner emphasized the need for sacrifice in our life. In order to bring the ark in David had to make a sacrifice every six paces. From its starting point to the end that would require around 3600 sacrifices.

Even though Saul was the counterfeit king...he still helped mold David's character into the man he would eventually become as Israel's leader. God sometimes allows the counterfeit to occur so that we can mature. David still served Saul's ministry despite the word he received that he would be king someday.

Pride and Prejudice...can't wait...luv this fameous Jane Austin story. All us girlies are gonna have to see it. The book is awesome and the television mini-series with Colin Firth is also worth viewing. I heard this one takes a more grundgy approach to the filming. Darcy is the arrogant snob confronted morally and socially by the independent and outspoken Elizabeth Bennet.

Anyway, my birthday is this Friday boys and girls. So stop on by mom and dad's for some cajun seafood. Yay...I get my new snowboard tomorrow and get to play some music this weekend. Looking forward to it.

What the Bleep

I had a strange dream last night concerning a place that seemed like it could be hell or some other purgatory. I was walking through a cavernous place when the landscape opened up and revealed this ebony tower in the distance. I took several pictures of it...and the sky in the background was blood red. Then a women began to follow me. I knew she was bad news. I went back to this place where some others had been with me. They were still there, up on a stone platform. The woman followed me up there. There was a statue of a gargoyle in which she sprinkled some kind of dust on it. She said it would tell you the truth if you did that. But I stayed far away from it. Somehow the landscape changed and I was outside in a deserted neighborhood. It was very apocalyptic...broken windows, machines etc. I wanted to get out bad...or for someone to rescue me. A boy came up to me who had touched the gargoyle. He had red looking chicken pock marks all over his face. Then I saw in the distance coming down from the clouds byplanes and hot air balloons. I thought they were coming to save me. But instead they were carrying water vehicles. They landed somewhere down the street, as if they intended to stay. I had the faintest inclination to try my cell phone for help but then I woke up.

The Least of These
(words subject to change; sorta needs a melody)

Verse1:
I want to pour myself out on You
Cause Your mercy is poured on me
I want to spend myself on You
Cause You spent Your life on me
I want to find myself in You
Cause You find Yourself in me

Chorus:
I am nothing but the least of these
I am no one but a friend to Jesus
But it is all that I want to be
So free to be loved by You
So free to be loved by You

Verse2:
I want to walk in Your kingdom
Cause this place is not my home
I want to hear the words Your speaking
Cause the fame of man is killing
I want to tear down all my idols
Cause Your face is so beautiful

The light at the end of the tunnel. And no that's not a demonic figure...that's Kimbo. I had a really sweet time worshipping the Lawd today. It's so easy to get wrapped up in what I ought to be doing or striving for that I forget He just wants to spend time with me. And that's more than enough; that's the foundation, the beginning, and the end. He is the Light I am moving toward. Seek Me with all your heart. That seems to come with a promise. You will find Him. And that's my heart's cry...to see Him face to face. So I'm taking dad's advice: not to get too wrapped up in the words or how worthy they are for writing down. I get a lot of impressions, ideas and I usually write them all down. It's the way that I hear best from the Lord...during worship. I can think the heavens are brass but put in some music or strum a simple tune and I feel Him flooding all over me...whether His presence or His words. Give me some time to put some words down and I feel a deep sense of fulfillment. Anyway, haven't written in a few days and although this is not earth shattering revelation I thought I'd share it. I was reading today somewhere how God left the Israelites some enemies in the promised land to test their hearts. Who would they turn to? Joshua died without having destroyed them all. And yes, you guessed it, the Israelites turned to their neighbor's pagan gods and ways of idolatry. God has brought them out of Egypt, across the wilderness, and into the land of Canaan. But they forgot Him so easily. I think in my own life without the fight I'd just as easily cast everything to the wind. I just want to say thank You.

Philip Yancey on Ecclesiastes

The only wisdom we can hope to acquire is the wisdom of humility. Humility is endless.
~T.S. Eliot

Yancey wonders how exactly this book made it into the Bible. Placed back to back with Proverbs, the book of how to live life in wisdom, it almost seems like Ecclesiastes is there to mock. But the form is possibly a tactic used by other philosophical writers and authors. Draw the reader in by denouncing everything that is apparently a part of God's rule. Love wisdom?---no, whether you love it or reject it the results are the same etc. And then, just as the paths of hedonism are lived out the writer has you trapped, and he states, "Fear God and keep His commandments, for this is the whole duty of man," (12:13).

There are moments of spiritual transcendence. "Drippings of grace," C. S. Lewis called them. Points in time whether it be in love, sex, beauty, music or what have you that an unexplainable joy and yearning is experienced. G. K. Chesterson writes before his commitment to Christ:

There had come into my mind a vague and vast impression that in some way all good was a remnant to be stored and held sacred out of some primordial ruin. Man had saved his good as Crusoe saved his goods: he had saved them from a wreck. All this I felt and the age gave me no encouragement to feel it. And all this time I had not thought of Christian theology.

But God's gifts cannot be the thing sought after or they will fail to satisfy. Wine will turn into alcoholism, says Yancey, and so on. We must acknowledge that we cannot perceive or understand God's ways fully and learn to submit to them. Yancey adds however that he does not feel Ecclesiastes is just a form of reverse apologetics. It is a reminder of the limits of being human. It sets forth the pitfalls of a life without God at the center whether pagan or Christian. The fall of Solomon's kingdom came just after its greatest wealth and reign. It is a depiction of the "city of man" v. the "city of God," the kingdom of this world v. the kingdom of heaven.

"Beautiful." (can u name what movie this is from?)

So, looks like we will be playing at the song writer's contest this Friday. Anyone who reads this keep us in prayer...for the people we'll have the opportunity to minister to. I hope that the song offers hope and strength and peace...all things lacking in the day to day grind. I want to go in humility and grace. Thanks Father for the chance to go outside the church. Thanks to Keifer and Jaymz for the sacrifice of their time.

I Love Pictures!

Who is this stud? Why it's my nephew. Right now his hobbies consist of farting a lot, drinking milk, and gazing lovestruck at the ceiling fan.

My other roommate, Leigh. We're sweet but deadly when need be. So hey, come on over, drop on by. We got yo back.

"Ooh Yah...we're at war...war w/ racism, w/ terroism but mostly w/ ourselves."

So I guess this is me in a good mood trying to look mean. What would Scully say? Watch out for little green men.



As the doctor was late in showing up for the delivery...my bro Aaron had the opportunity to test out his dream of becoming the next Doogie.

His skills pertain mainly to football hence the stance. Perhaps he will implement it into the medical field. They say video games are great hand eye coordination for surgery. Hey...you're on the right track brotha!

My kitty cat...um...Jack (AKA Colonel O'Neill, Stargate SG-1).

Frenchie to some...Mimi to others...Beloved to the One. My bro Keifer and wild sista with the newest edition, Noah.

Welcome to My World
The girls and guys next door...

Hi guys! Me and Taylor chilling above.

If ya see us on the street...beware. We don't mess around. We are thugs in search of truth. We break it down, if ya know what I mean. Break it down like Dylan at the foot of Jesus, in the kitchen with orange rolls and Bridget Jones playing the fool that everyone is but won't admit to be.

Love all you guys...you make my world beautiful.

Whoa...whatta night. First of all I didn't sleep very well and then I had a stream of dreams I didn't care to write down. Every worse case scenario and I woke up feeling so relieved. They seemed to be God inspired. Perhaps they're the cleansing dreams Scott spoke of. I wouldn't mind something more pleasant tonight. Anyway...here's something I've been working on. May be subject to change and I will add a bridge. It's quite simple but there's something about the chords I love.

Verse1:
I think it's time
to break the dam
and send water
through the land.
So we can play
free again
all you children.

Verse2:
I think it's time
to break defenses
and receive the truth
you've been fighting.
So we can be
free again
all you children.

Chorus:
Be the song over me
and You will be the song I sing.
We will run
yes we will run
just like a raging river.

Just A Quicky

The John Mark show is at some place in Charlotte called Avondale. I'll get directions soon and doors open at 7:00pm (Nov. 12th).

If everything works out...that is, work scheduling and song submission...I'll be "performing" the Hell and Back song (though I titled it The Winter for simplicity's sake) at a songwriter's contest in Charlottesville or somewhere near there. Just to see what the Lord will do! Could be great fun, so I'm hoping everything works out. It's in the Lord's hands. Just need to remember he has great, big hands!---and skillful, and tender.

I thought I liked this Kanye West song Jesus Walk. Still like some parts but I think it was better hearing it on the big screen w/ a war movie for visuals. It's like "Jesus walk with me cause I can feel the Devil's trying to break me."

Why Yes, Another Post!

What can I say?---these "hands of destiny" have a lot to get down today. Don't know where this one will go. It's up in the air but maybe a melody will come soon.

Verse 1:
I smell it in the air, everywhere, leaves are falling
in shade and light but things don’t always fall apart.
If you’ve got a little of your Dad tucked away
in your heart it’s enough to know He knows you.
And you are brave enough to see
He’s got good mysteries hidden for you
just around a corner.

Verse 2:
If I rest under a tree, let Your shade down and
fall on me. I’ll lean back before it gets too cold.
Give me Your arms, wrap them around, cause I’m not strong
and I’m not warm but if I know You, You are.
So this is where I need to see
You’ve already been here long before today
waiting for me to come.

Chorus:
Save me, and save you,
those who wait.
We will not be shamed,
we will not be shamed. (repeat)

Bridge:
He will open the mouths of those
who forgot how to speak.
He will wrestle till they’re free
you who forgot how to breathe.

A Canto on Addiction

Just a little something I wrote for a Shea movie. But I thought I'd post it case ya'll wanted to check it out too. The form is a little messed up cause of gay blogger.

The Art of Tourniquets

A song plays like a snake, slipping in and out of my ear, around my neck and down my
shirt. There isn’t time to pet these words. But I feel its seducing whisper a few layers of skin away from the beat. Just sleep…
Those silly Gypsy girls move their hips and I know they’re caught in the coil. A dusty
floor, sand everywhere but it’s not a beautiful desert. We threw our trash, our words and our filthy passions down hours ago. Now they’re just maggot skeletons that pretend to be memories worth remembering. December…
Another minute slides by without intent, following its brother out the window where time
goes when it’s forgotten. To a hole in the ground, then under earth that smothers and burns time to cold bodies. Who sets the clock…
I tap the plastic, run a finger over the black measurements, one line for every scar. Some
are buried and scream more cause they never told some kind of peace. I put a tourniquet on each, render hurt chants speechless and throw them into an ocean of blood and poison. They’ll squirm forever…
Come up for breath, drink another and back down again. I’m not talking drinks here but
an underwater world of chemical design. Manufactured by six handed men. Their scalpel eyes see what you need. Not men at all…
So this is where I left my dreams, at the bottom with the bottom feeders. And now
they’ve withered, food for scavengers. I can’t look when it’s that summer I was so happy now just fragments of words and flashes of the sun on a watery grave. Could I leave a lily for regret, at least could I do that? There’s no going back...
I know this is it, what I am made to be. Alone, alone like a voice of hope in a forest
falling beneath snow. I’ll wrap myself tighter in this dark room, pull the blinds,
blow out the candles, watch the TV shutter in and out of black. Just sleep…
And I dream there is a man waiting for me by the subway entrance. He isn’t homeless
but he isn’t Wall Street. He knows my name as if we’re best friends, says he can take me up town and feed a little bread into this lifeless frame. I’m not so sure, what’s the use. Well I suppose anything’s better than stale cigarettes. I notice something else. His voice is clear and free, which I’ve never been. Free that is, just a slave. I’ll go as long as these legs will take me. Boy, you’ll walk over mountains if you just stay close.

The Greatness of Knowing Him


I think these passages in Philippians will be inspiration for the next thing I write. I was listening to Upton's version of Psalm 23 again this morning. And as I sang the words "you make a table before my enemies/surely goodness and mercy cover me" I began to cry...not b/c of Upton's dynamic voice or piano sensitivity. But because I knew those words to be true in my own life and because I knew God in that way. So that's what our life is suppose to be all about. Knowing Him. Everything we struggle with or rejoice in is suppose to draw us closer to Him. Paul writes:

I once thought all these things were so very important, but now I consider them worthless because of what Christ has done. Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the priceless gain of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I may have Christ and become one with Him. (Philippians 3:7-9).

Paul goes on to say that it's not as though he has laid hold of it yet...completely. He presses on toward the goal, forgetting what's behind. It's true, in this world you will have suffering. But we can know Christ in a way that the rest of His created order cannot. We can share in His sufferings and share in His resurrection. And it's not about the suffering it's about His faithfulness, His goodness, His mercy, His intimacy, His peace, His justice through it all; that which we would not know if we ran to our makeshift comforts and lovers.

Enlist Now!

Well it's funny when the Lord answers you immediately concerning a prayer. Funny because He is the Man, the all knowing, the ultimate of wise oracles, and sometimes it takes decades to get an answer and sometimes it takes a few hours. Maybe I don't know what I was really asking for. So I prayed yesterday "make me a part of your army." Something to that effect. I may have prayed that before but it seemed to be the Spirit's proddings yesterday in that I wasn't in any kind of mood to say that. Then, I had this dream:

I was driving in a car toward my old high school. But instead of going in, I stopped briefly and then thought to myself, "I'm done with this school" and drove away. At some point I got out of my car to head over to my "job." I had gotten a position as a blacksmith. However, instead of working I passed by the smithy where there were two people at work. I got back in a car but this time there was a man sitting in the passanger's side. He was sort of gruff looking, bigger, and I had the impression that he was some kind of general. He told me were not at a level yet where we could joke with eachother, as I turned on some sort of Irish music. There was ice on the road and I avoided slamming into the back of another car. Finally, I came to a building where there were more upper ranked military officials and then people of the lower standings also. Somehow I ended up saying I would enlist and go to war.

I can't say it's the most uplifting of dreams but there is certainly something of encouragement there. I'm no longer studying in school or making my weapon. It's now time to volunteer for these coming days. And I think the battle always begins on the personal homefront. He trains your hands for battle. And then He enlarges your territory and gives you the inexperienced to help train up. It's encouraging cause I guess I am walking in wisdom afterall. Thanx Abba! Thanx angelic army warring with me!

The Shadow of His Wings

Mims said once that if we are not seeing or sensing the Lord it might be because you are hidden in the shadow of His wings. I think that is a beautiful way to view the Lord...too close to see Him...seemingly lost in darkness but all the time hidden in His shade. I've been playing around with this song all weekend (the one in the previous post). It's pretty simple. More Psalm-like I think. I decided to add a bridge. Hey Bodgy...let's meet at pops sometime soon and run through ashes (if you want).

Bridge:
(C)
Don't fear and
(G)
Be strong for
(Am)
the Lord He is near
(E)
to us (repeat)

(Back into chorus)
(Am)
Abba
(C)
Abba
(F) (Em)
I know You have not left (repeat)