Strange Days

So I'm up at 1:00 am although I have to be back up at 7:30 am. I feel sort of pumped for no apparent reason...well that's a lie, there is a reason. It was raining and that was comforting. Now I'm left with the aftermath of some midnight lyrics running through my head. I'm hearing chords too but I don't know if they're for this song. It's about sitting at the edge of the Lord's fire. I saw Him in a living room type setting like His garments were lit up but not in a I'm going to overpower you way but in a come chill with Me way. What spawned all this? I have been very frustrated with some things in my life lately. It all bubbled up and I needed to do something with it. My days have been like the following: well Lord when are You going to come through? Haven't I walked in wisdom and been faithful long enough? Where's the fruit? Um, did you even mean what You said or are You just going to leave me hanging? People are wondering what the heck this girl is doing. And the only thing I can think of is I don't know. The further I get into this with You the further I feel from everything that's normal. My relationships have gone to hell mostly, and according to a book I'm reading a woman defines her life around the status of her relationships. I'd tend to agree. I feel like I don't treat others the way they deserve but at the same time I don't feel like it should matter. All I know is that I love You and if that is what will define my life then so be it. I wonder if I'll be able to take care of myself like college graduates should or what my professor will say after he reads my last essay. What was I thinking? Well they say those that seek You with their whole heart will find You. So I'm hoping this is what it's all leading to. That I'll get to see You again. And I won't let go this time. Or maybe You'll shake me up a bit and say get a real job, Amy. No, none of that self-defacement crap. I can't stand it when people crap on themselves in front of others just to get encouragement. It's better they just say hey could you pray for me? I think sometimes people are intimidated by me; either that or they just don't like me. The latter is your choice. I see the way Aaron hesitates around me and I try to remember when our relationship changed. It's still me. The Amy that made you watch Sound of Music. The Amy obssessed with X-files and my stupid dog. The Amy that would drive you anywhere. Susie, you say I don't talk alot anymore to you. Sorry, it's because for some reason the fight to feel like me tends to make me quiet. I'm really not that complicated when you get down to the nitty and gritty. I don't try to think great thoughts or write great stuff. I like to laugh and enjoy life. When "great" moments come along I hope I'm not alone in them. But most of the time I feel like I am. Yet another revelation from my latest read. I like to experience the beauty of the Lord in creation cause it really does pierce your heart, Pascal. I like gritting my teeth, choking back tears, wiping a bloody lip, and pressing on. I like laughing at silly things with the Lord when no one is looking. And above all, I wonder, if You meant what You said all those years ago, if what I believe, and what I'm moving toward is Your plan...why me? I'm just a silly girl raised in boondock Virginia. Or if it's all a delusion of grandeur...wake me up soon please.