Friday, September 30, 2005

Something to Play, Something to Sing

Here's something I worked on this evening instead of going to see History of Violence. I just wasn't in the mood at the last second and sat down to play my guitar instead. This is what came of it, although I had had the melody for some time. It's a working progress. I think it's gonna have either a bridge added to it or a chorus to the already existing chorus/pre-chorus.

Did I boast when I should have spoken in weakness?
Did I laugh when I should have cried for the broken?
Did I see evil when I should have seen beauty?

Chorus:
Abba
Abba
I know You have not left (repeat)

Did I sleep when I should have kept watching?
Did I hide when they asked me Your name?
Did I stand or did I run away when they brought their stones?

That's it for now. I love the chord progression the most. Sounds cool. It's been an up and down week. I've done a lot of crying and a lot of laughing. Maybe it's cause we sang on Sunday or maybe it's more birthing pains. Had a baby dream last night. I was walking along a beach and the waves were breaking parallel to the beach, not on the beach. They were huge and I remember staring at them in fascination. I had a small baby with me and I ran into several people I knew. One wave did break right up against a man's house that I visited. My baby was very small and I was concerned for it.

If birthing stuff hurts this bad in the non-physical sense I can't imagine what it'll be like in the physical. But at least you know it's a set nine month period and you can use anethesia. My birthday is coming up soon...as I mentioned before. I only mention it again cause I guess I have this birth notion on the brain. I was born on Veteran's day...so does that make me a veteran? I wish. I always feel like some messy amateur who happens to pull the trigger in the nick of time. Well that's it for tonight folks. Thanks for tuning in. Yellena if you read this...Andjelka said she'd send you this site and the ashes song lyrics. I'd love to read some of your stuff too. Email me at AE_frenchie@yahoo.com.
Charlotte Show

Well John Mark is gonna be playing in Charlotte November 12th along with Mark Mathis and Paper Tongues. Seeing as it is the day after my birthday I wonder if I'll actually attend. But I'm hoping it'll work out. The venue is to be announced and the show begins at 8:00pm. It's for JM's new CD release. I think it would be a blast. Gracie...if ya don't get my email anytime soon read this. Let's go! Let's all go and rock it out. Oh sweet...my birthday is on a Friday. 23...little Anya is growing up. :)

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Lava Rooms and Ashes

I had a strange dream last night involving Aaron, Jen and I. We heard of a room that I will describe as similar to a concentration camp extermination area. There was poisonous gas and lava that was slowly filling up the room. We three climbed up through a trap door located under a chandelier and then down some steps into the room. Once inside we had to help certain people escape with these staffs we carried. We'd extend the staff to the person, they would grab hold, and we'd pull them to safe ground (all the while the lava kept getting higher). I remember one specific person...Danielle...who we could not reach. She had to jump into the water before it caught on fire and swim to the safe ground. After we left the room I returned to get all my clothes out before they caught on fire. By this point the entire room was almost full of lava.

Well...I decided to add a third verse to From the Ashes. Now it really will be ten minutes long but that's not why I did it. I was worshipping today and I got the impression that the Lord wanted to say something about me/us in war. Ya know? He is so and so during the 1st and 2nd verses but in the third verse He says this is who you are and how I will bless you. Something like that. Here's the third verse with the pre-chorus and chorus and bridge:

Verse3:
Who is this most beautiful
Victorious one grows like the dawn
until all that is gone is reborn
And once stolen repaid in full
Then the buried will rise to tell
of morning light unveiled

Pre-Chorus:
Come find me in the ashes
And pour for me a drink
from the depths of Your well

Chorus:
The water runs down
Washing these wounds away
And the water runs down
where I leave myself to lay

Bridge:
And we will run and not grow weary
And we will walk and never faint

We do however repeat "The water runs down washing these wounds away" several times. And also we repeat the pre-chorus. The bridge is awesome, musically speaking!!!

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

"Mild Mannered Reporter"

These past few days have seemed very surreal to me. We sang the "Hell" song on Sunday...and bypassing details and imperfections from the standpoint of the Spirit I thought it went beyond expectation. But when I'm asked...like last night at work...what it is I've been doing from someone who does not know me well or does not know the journey I've been on, I resort to "school/work." There's just not the time to say everything and not to mention there is the risk of them looking back at you with blank stares. I suppose I should just say what it is I've been doing cause it's the truth. You ever feel like Superman's alter ego, waiting for something to explode or someone to cry out for help before you can use those hidden powers? Thanks to my fellow superheroes...hhmm maybe we should do a "which superhero would you be" in the manner we did LOTR. Superman would not be my first choice. I think at this point in my life I would pick Jean from X-men cause she comes back as the Phoenix AKA rising from the ashes!

Bodgy is recording the "ashes" music tonight and I'm very excited to see what happens with the final product of this song. I love that it is "epic" and could possibly last for ten minutes someday. I recently had a dream where I was learning how to fly. I won't go into all the details but in it I ran out of flying juice cause I was not resting or waiting on the Lord...something like that. So these past couple of days I've been trying to just relax and rest (literally) after the intesity of Sunday. I'm gonna end this blog here and take-er easy till work.

PS Iona has a new CD coming out shortly. I'm very excited about it because I hear it is a step up from Open Sky, which is amazing!

Thursday, September 22, 2005

"Ride on man, ride on through, take your lands, you own them."- Mark Mathis

I don't want to avoid the obvious or the realities of this fallen world. But so often we are moved by pictures---movies, paintings, metaphors/symbols---that I tend to gravitate to the visual side of emotions/troubles etc. in my own writing. Ezra Pound was the master (literally) of connecting an image to another idea or person. Or perhaps, we as readers, are the ones responsible for the connection. In any case, here is the end of a poem I found compelling today:

It was you that broke the new wood,
Now is a time for carving.
We have one sap and one root---
Let there be commerce between us.

And perhaps a little more inspiring is:

You of the finer sense,
Broken against false knowledge,
You who can know first hand,
Hated, shut in, mistrusted:

Take thought:
I have weathered the storm,
I have beaten out my exile.

Here is a recent song that Bodgy is working out the music for. I appreciate the efforts of all my extended family. Daily I must remind myself that my hope is You...not this dream or that dream...not this person or that person...but You and all that I have yet to know You as. I have to get quiet and surrender to a living God; not a God of yesterday's achievements/mindsets/interactions. Anyway, heritis:

From the Ashes

Verse1:
Who is this One strong in war
His eyes furious to find our worth
when we've misplaced identities
And reveal to us who we are
To raise a shout among the dead
that laid before their time

Chorus:
Come find me in the ashes
And pour for me a drink
from the depths of Your well
The water runs down
Washing these wounds away
And the water runs down
Where I leave myself to lay

Verse2:
Who is this One tender in war
Lost, broken, have we forgotten mercy
that a Man carried and died for
So we might live fearless again
and find help in the time of need
For we are all in need

Bridge:
And we will run and not grow weary
And we will walk and never faint

I must give credit of inspiration to two people: Neil Steiner who gave me a word once about rising from the ashes. I am reminded of it quite often. And also to James who got me thinking about who the Lord is (at least to me) in wartime.

Monday, September 19, 2005

He wishes for the Cloths of Heaven- William Butler Yeats

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths,
Of night and light and half light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

Here's for my fellow rangers---the hidden kings and queens---who have yet to reveal their true identities. He has given us our swords and declared, "Become who you were born to be."

Saturday, September 17, 2005

Hello Christiansburg!

In the style of Hello Wisconsin!---I sometimes feel like shouting "Here I am!" to the world of university students, growing businesses, and maturing artists. And sometimes I do...though under my breath so as to not make a scene. But maybe I should one of these days. Well, I cannot tell you the elation I've felt the past few days from the sudden wave of encouragement from family I entrust myself to at DP. It's a little surprising, a little uncomfortable cause don't you get use to the "another day to carry on" season or find yourself giving an inch forgetting that God will take that inch a million miles! If you give Him the time...so all I can say is be faithful with everything you've got in you. I was wondering how much intentions matter if they're not applied somehow to the "greater good" or how much is said in private should be shouted from the rooftops. How much of your secret life are you willing to display? And for the first part of my question I heard Him say, "I look at the heart and man looks at the outside." I recalled that for four years it was virtually impossible to think of the idea of singing in public let alone talking about it with others. I made a few, wavering attempts, put my heart out there a little hoping He would honor that (and He did). But it wasn't a desire I could turn off, forget or live without. You know what I mean...the weapon of choice, the IV of needed nourishment, the breathing tube above a cloud of smothering despair. So the enduring question I felt from Him was "Will I sing through thick and thin?" It was like He didn't even have to ask though, cause it's what I did, for four years, tears usually streaming down my face in the safety of my echo...I love you! Then came the day when Joe Barker said the Lord wants you to get transparent...reveal the secret things. God!---whata day that was when I sang for the first time in front of Dad and Keith. I thought I would puke. And here I am...feeling like I'm coming home. Not so I can be comfortable in this world but so I can confidantly say, "This is who I am and where I'm from."

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

For the Dreamers

I'm still making my way through Goll's book The Coming Prophetic Revolution. A couple of chapters there I found a little slow. But as I near the end it is sparking my interest again. Here are some steps that Jim writes about discovering your destiny:

1. Value of Research: Often we must research the foundations in order to build wisely. What is your family's history, ethnic background, religious heritage?

2. The Meaning of a Name: Whom are you named after? What does it mean? Is there a promise that lies in it? Claim your generational inheritance and call forth the blessing. The power of the blessing is greater than the power of the curse.

3. Pick Up the Baton: What are the unfulfilled promises that have gone before you? Not all promises have to be received directly by your generation. Daniel 9:2 shows the receiving of a promise that was spoken about in Jeremiah 29:10.

4. The Importance of Revelation: Gifts like the discerning of spirits, word of knowledge, and prophecy are valuable here. They will help you determine specific points the Lord is trying to make. Also consider: what are the intercessors discerning? What are the hindering powers of darkness? What are current-day revelatory promises? What is the voice of the Holy Spirit saying to you personally?

5. Walking in Unity and Taking Counsel: What are your authorities saying? We must find confirmation, wisdom and counsel through the safety net of walking circumspectly with others. (BTW: a personal reminder of Minnie's warning about the spirit of Absalom that will undermine authority and encourage people to act on their own authority).

6. Kneeling on the Promises: Remind God of His words, "You who remind the Lord, take no rest for yourselves; and give Him no rest until He establishes and makes Jerusalem a praise in the earth," (Isaiah 62:6-7). Pray the promises into being. Humbly yet boldly lay hold of God and don't let go till you see His kingdom come about in your life. Don't stand on the promises, kneel on them and give birth to them.

7. Acting on the Opposite Spirit: If a curse or demonic spirit is discerned then begin to act out proper expressions of the love of God. If the spirit says hate then sow deeds of love, forgiveness and kindness.

8. Write it Down: Writing down God's promises ensures that it will be kept before your eyes and properly passed on to the next generation.

9. Stepping Out: Faith is spelled r-i-s-k. We must formulate practical plans of implementation, wait on God, get His mind and timing on the matter, and then get up and go, obey and step out.

For me personally I am only beginning to see what my generational inheritance is. I remember once in a dream I was confronting a stronghold of witchcraft. Instead of the deeds of the flesh I sowed the fruit of the spirit: love, peace, patience etc. I sung in the spirit over my family, even generations back. My name means Beloved and my middle name means consecrated to the Lord. So I am beginning a new thing and that is always hard. But I believe my brother and sister and I will mark a new generational inheritance of prosperity, vision, power, and authority. I am reminded of what Laddie told my dad: The Lord will make the French name great where greatness of name means something. All I have are the things the Lord has said to me and faith in Him to see them fulfilled.

Well, on to school with a little more passion today.

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Back from school and before I move onto practicalities--that is new jobs, eating--I'll share a little piece from a Yeats poem that gave me goose bumps today:

An aged man is but a paltry thing,
A tattered coat upon a stick, unless
Soul clap its hands and sing, and louder sing
For every tatter in its mortal dress,
Nor is there singing school but studying
Monuments of its own magnificence;

Yeats is saying, basically, that he is empty, paltry, unless his soul is alive (with artistic expression, love, life). And for every tatter, every bad thing, every evil, that he has been afflicted with will add to the passion of his singing. There is no school to learn this in; but there are those who have gone before us that we can glean wisdom from.

Monday, September 12, 2005

What A Beautiful Day

So I woke up today at noon. Must have been needed cause I rarely sleep in. And I've been enjoying these sunny, cool days and my new cd's. But I'm probably wasting too much gas just driving through my neighborhood listening to them. You don't get the full effect without the trees and green hills etc. Mark Mathis is chill and real; he sort of tells stories and then comes in with some truth about broken people or love or justice. The last song is one of my favorites: "Millennium."

It starts off something like:

When the mass of the broken is picked up off the floor
You don't hurt no more
You don't fear no more

Second verse is the best:

And the people that are trapped, trapped in jobs they hate
You will let escape, You will break the gates
And the blood of the innocent will be fully repaid
It has touched your heart
It has sparked Your rage

And then it ends by speeding up a little with, "All who are weary..."

Anyway, a fellow folkish heart. So here are the words I got Sunday morning before chuzurch. I knew the chords I wanted to use way before I figured out the words.

The winter so dark has come and gone my friends.
The flowers and singing appear in the land
And all of your fears and tears are fading away
Out comes the Son of Man, of God, of love

And this is what He says (lead in to chorus)
The hills and sky will be brighter this time, no lie
You've been through hell and back
But your face is gonna shine
And everything I've done has been for love (repeat last line)

One drop of Your light can fill a valley with hope
And send the highest rulers down to their feet
But it's a simple matter for you and me
He's just a king in love with you and me

I started singing this and the more I did it I just kind of lost it in a crying/joyous way. All the way into the shower. That was a good morning. Then I showed Keith the rhythm I wanted to use and he played it more fluidly. Sounds cool I think. Hope to record soon. Welp...gotta go.

Love Ya'll!!!

Friday, September 09, 2005

The Hidden Hours

So here's the timeless issue and Yeats describes it well. Written verse/poetry ought to sound like it is in the moment, spoken right off the tongue in an instantaneous firing of brain activity. But the reality is no one sees the hours that go into forming it, or if that's not the case, the struggle and doubt of the artist to preserve his or her own voice.

Yeats writes (from Adam's Curse):

I said: "A line will take us hours maybe;
Yet if it does not seem a moment's thought,
Our stitching and unstitching has been naught.
Better go down upon your marrow bones
And scrub a kitchen pavement, or break stones
Like an old pauper, in all kinds of weather;
For to articulate sweet sounds together
Is to work harder than all these, and yet
Be thought an idler by the noisy set
Of bankers, schoolmasters, and clergymen
The martyrs call the world."

I haven't always been able to write lines of intimacy and desire for the Father. Not that they're great or anything...I'm just saying that they're real to me for this time. It's just the season I'm in: simplicity in wanting Him. A couple of years ago Loretta prayed for me in internship because she said I was being harassed by a tormenting spirit. She said I would be able to redeem the time. And I wrote a bunch of stuff following that day. Let's see what I can find. Please hold.

Phantoms:

Thought he had me awakening to the nails
I lay there while they dig a little closer to my heart
If pain is what I sought it's what I breathe
Inhale it like a drug wait for the reward

Don't mind your amputation cut it off
I'm still here and I'm not moving
Take it all I'm not resisting

Tired of sleeping in a pool of blood
It's not even mine should have said that
Smells like the color's going dull it leaked
2000 years ago I'm just feeling phantoms


Pain My Antidote:

I've read it all before a page-turner to the end
and then You're there through whatever end
I'm not sure I want it again
It's something beyond description
beyond the stripping of my mortal skin
Something you must have felt among the dust and emptiness

A thirsty seed dying in your hands
I don't know what it'll become
exceed the sight of his recluse form
the bite that begun the antidote comes

I've read it all but it's not quite the same
and I wouldn't want it to be ever the same
Wasn't sure I wanted it again
But if this has to go I'll let it be
until something reshapes black misery
I saw you move over a shadow
here among dust and emptiness


We Walked Together

If I run will it follow
If I know I should stand
break these fears and let them crumble
But I'm loosing this war
for the right to see right
I can't hold onto what you said
Did you even say it and did you mean it
When does a fight become a massacre
Leave me in its wake
Just don't leave me

If I forget this old friend
If I turn around before
we lock fingers and it becomes a part of me
Do I stand still
because there's nothing to step on
Or am I somehow blind
begging for scraps when I could have a feast
Is it stealing my fortune
Telling me to blame you
I guess it was never that big
because you never left me

It might seem as great as the night sky
hidden in the dark, numbers like the stars
But you'll hand them over to me
Smile at my hesistant ferocity
And when I'm backed down again
Teach me to get a little angry
To command it fall at my feet

Thank you for your time. He is so faithful. Perhaps I shall return a little later. Until then...


Wednesday, September 07, 2005

The Third Verse

Well I decided to add that third verse and here it is. It came quite effortlessly...that is...after a couple of weeks of self-criticism/doubt etc. Does the doubt ever really come from yourself?---or are we too quick to call it the enemy's words? For our souls are still being renewed to the truth. I suppose the soul has an equal say in how to view these Spirit inspired endeavors. Anyway, the entire thing w/ a few minor changes and 3rd verse:

I don't have much to say
Sometimes it is much better, sitting at the edge of a fire
I'm barely touching but it's burning all the same
And I hope You don't mind that I intend to stay

There's nothing I can hide
Nothing You cannot see, when I'm a mirror for this flame inside
I'm barely reaching but it's enough for You
A little bit of yearning can change a nation

Here we are You and me at rest
One mind and one will together, as I lay in the heat of Your chest
I'm barely breathing could You breathe for me too
And make all things new, and make all things new

So come on down
and give me all You got
Come on down
and give me all You got

Friday, September 02, 2005

From Caribbean Islands to Coastlines of Ireland to Taylor Guitars on the Back of Burton Snowboards

Note to readers: this is not a in-your-face look at all the blessings I'm better than you post.

Note to self: thank God more.

Quickly, a strange dream last night. I had taken some sort of drug (either esctasy or heroine) with someone else and I remember staring at my eyes in the mirror. The pupils were abnormally large as will happen when such drugs are used. I couldn't talk right but I remember "feeling great." But then I was called downstairs to help out with chores in the kitchen. I began throwing out stuff that should not have been thrown out; particularly these staffs that were contained in this clay looking pitcher. Mom suddenly became angry with me and I told her there was some stronghold (that I can't remember) in her life. That's all I can recall at the moment. *jamesthegray I forgot to mention that you were in a recent dream of mine: just briefly...you were attending this class on the end of the world. You went three times. (???) Got me.

Anyway, as I embark on the next step of my journey...that is slowly finishing college and hearing the Lord's will for what is to come...it is good to remember His faithfulness and provision from the past. Now I understand that material blessings are not always the better manifestations of His favor but sometimes they are easier to spot, especially when that someone is wandering in a gutter or plodding through a bog of eternal stench. A random memory of a funnier Upton moment: "We stand on our C-R-A-P mountains and wonder why people won't get near us." So true. My family has been blessed with giving grandparents and even great-grandparents for as long as I can remember. Our Christmas usually consists of a Sally Suthers storehouse of food and goodies along with piles and piles of presents (although that pile is starting to diminish into one very expensive gift from each elder and so on). Sometimes I miss the Goliath fests. Poor Roberta Williams has been fired from Sierra---no more King's Quests for us. : ( Well, to begin my story at a more tangible place, my aunt and I were very close growing up. She always said that she would take me to the Virgin Islands for my highschool graduation present. I never really believed it would come about but during my senior year my uncle's band was going on a cruise to the Bahamas, and three of the V.I's. He needed a "baby sitter" so I was the person for the job. I got on for free and my aunt ended up watching Gab most of the nights when I went out. Sorry. I drank way too much and smoked even more. But despite my obvious indulgence in the pleasures of the flesh, I have never seen such beauty before and it was my Father's pleasure to give it to me. Thanks, Dad.

I had wanted to go to Ireland for about six or seven years before it ever worked out. It was a strange passion that just sort of popped into my heart and didn't disappear. I don't even remember what sparked it. I thought I might get to go the summer after I had turned eighteen. My grandfather gave me $1200 for quitting smoking (yet another blessing in itself) so I planned on using that money toward a trip to leperchaun land. But insetad of going by myself, I bought a phat car CD player and some other misc stuff. Well, three years later my grandma bought a ticket to Dublin for me and off I went. Dad took me to the airport; he said he felt like he was giving me away (at my wedding) and almost started crying. I had the opportunity to stay for free with a pleasant Irish native named Grace Mearns. We had a crack of a time. Did I say it right? By then I was in Belfast and she took me to all the great spots in the city. Before leaving my pastor said, "I'm afraid you're going to be a little disappointed cause it won't be like you expect." But honestly I wasn't. I went to see the green hills and breathtaking coasts. That's what I got. And on top of that, the city of Dublin ended being the coolest city I think I've been to. Thanks, Dad.

This past spring I was blessed to go on two trips to the Balkins. Serbia and Macedonia. I absolutely love to travel...I'd go anywhere new and try just about any food, any language, any drink. Both of these trips were beyond expectation. Belgrade is a phat city...a clean version of New York and Skopje is a hippified version of something. But the people, aahh, make it for me. Cosca one day (from Skopje) looked at me and said, "You have old time wisdom," in his cool accent. I asked what he meant. He said, "You don't freak out about pointless stuff. You have Macedonia mindset; you care when it's necessary and you act a lot older than twenty-two." I had to laugh. Alpin told me one day, "You look like John-Mark (McMillon)." I really laughed then! I hope all is well with ya and Erin! And now...for a quick conclusion and onto babysitting duties. So now I'm getting a phat new snowboard...Burton Feather...and a guitar for birthday/Christmas. Thanks, Dad.

I try not to get too fixated on what's to come. There are usually two pitfalls encountered: either stress/ fear or false expectation/discontentment. So here's to living in the now!

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Frost Yourself

Here's that Robert Frost poem that still haunts me today. Maybe it'll haunt you too; actually he was a pretty cool guy from what I'm learning...just a little dark.

Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village, though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

So...who is the guy he's talking about in the first stanza I wonder? The mailman? Santa? Frost dealt with the subject of lonliness and going to the brink of insanity and then pulling back just at the end. But it's funny, in his very last poem ever he writes: "Here are your waters and your watering place. Drink and be whole again beyond confusion." He takes us to that place of vast, lonely, space and says, "okay, now get healed." Interesting, Frost.

Here are some shout outs to my girls in foreign lands:

Grace: I said I'd mention you soon, put your snib down ya wee bastard. I think when I nicked that glass it created a stronghold in my life. I confessed to Rick and he obsolved my sins. Luv ya girly! We should sing together sometime...really.

Elizabeth: I miss you...you always had a way of making me feel normal. But I know I'll cya soon. We've got demon-ass to kick!

Marche: Macedonia is still near my heart. You guys always said I'd be back. Was it pee-pee? Aahhh...the laughs. Thanx again for the baby oil. There's nothing like sizzling flesh atop a mountain peak.

Mimi (and Cosca): Your married now! Congrats...I bet that wedding was a blast. Dancing on table tops w/ Alpin and Alec playing the congos. Doesn't get any better. Wish I could have come.

Diane: How could I forget you? You're amazing. Thanx for the encouragement; I felt like anything but a leader that week.

Random blip of coolness: Last night in-between dreams? I woke up because I heard a bell ringing. It was almost like a boxing match bell but less clangy. Ding, ding, ding. I thought I saw this white object in front of me. I can't really compare it with anything but I could draw it.