A Bit of Ranting

You ever feel like everything you thought you were is snatched away instantly one day? And all your energy goes into fighting to know if those things you saw in yourself were true or if they were illusion? That's how I've felt for the better of five months probably. But I think the simple truth is that you would not be fighting if those things were not true. I think there is a difference between foolish zealousness and Spirit warring. With the latter you are given something from the Father that goes totally against what your circumstances are and who you appear to be at the moment. You don't know in your own heart if it is so. You almost wish you could wake up and hear something closer to reality: you're a failure etc. Then it's ok to settle. But no, the Father keeps speaking a higher calling. You can ignore what He's saying and settle into busyness or routine or distraction. Believe me, I have done all those things. Slowly your heart grows cold to the depths of the Spirit's guidance and wisdom. Foolish zealousness achieves the very same thing. I want to be such and such, I want to be so and so (not necessarily a particular person but someone you've created in your mind) at whatever cost. You gain the whole world. Alot of the time the enemy wants us to suceed b/c we have more authority to do harm to ourselves and others. The Father never stops telling us who we are to Him. We might be able to run for a time but then the truth is always so much more devastating to our hearts when He does get a hold of us again. I mean that in a bitter-sweet way; we are grateful because the forgiveness is more than we'll ever be able to repay.

All that to say, I have come to some conclusion about who I am through the past months. And it's not failure or foolishness. I was even angry with God one day. I told him, "Not only do people think I'm crazy, they think You're crazy!" As my mom always intervenes with, I care too much about others opinions. So I asked the Lord to forgive me. But then, I read in a book by Ravi Zachiarrias about how Israel rejected the Lord through the history of the prophets. God warns Israel to keep Him close to their hearts or else they will forget He is the One who delivered them from Egypt. What happens?--they forget. The most poignant to my heart was when he got to Hosea. You know the story. Israel is compared to a harlot who rejected the Lover that found her as a child, cared for her, and then married her. The Lover continued to love despite Israel's unfathifulness. However, it gets worse. When the story continues to Malachi, God is even more hurt. Now we are not harlots. We are worse. We pay others to sleep with us and then we declare, "How God have you helped us?" But God does not stop at their bickering and forget them. He says He will send His Son.

I don't care how people view me so much anymore. I don't care if I think myself a fool or a failure if it's not what He sees. I know He will deal with those who think lightly of Him or who do not think on Him at all and it will be in a way I cannot imagine.