Increased Spiritual Activity

I was laying in bed today, waking up from a nap and I saw a flash of light near my computer. Not thirty seconds later got a whiff of something sweet, almost like roses. I thought hhmm maybe Maranda just sprayed some perfume but then I didn't smell it again. If it were coming from her room I would have smelled it longer. Then I thought well maybe I smelled an angel and decided to read the chapter in Goll's Seer book about discernment. He writes, "Many people have testified to sensing the presence of the Lord accompanied by the smell of roses." I definately thought that was cool. I've never smelled the Lord before and my sense of smell is very acute. Jona's word to me on Saturday night had to do with this and creativity. He said I'd begin to experience increased activity during times of worship etc. I believe him because he knew nothing about me. I asked him to pray for me because of areas of creative frustration and stifling. He said that I had not encountered the Lord in some time and that that is why I feel a lot of life is purposeless right now. But he said to keep pursuing the Lord because He wants to encounter me again. He said during these times we have to hold firm to the promises. And he is right. It's been over four years now since I saw the Lord. It's not depression it's divine desparation. I know I will see the Lord again. This is my hope and my reason for life. Everything changes when we see Him as He is. I haven't been so excited in a long time...for all the Lord is doing in this area. I am eager to get on with worship training perhaps for the mere purpose of working with a team on Friday nights. I have been talking to many people and they are excited have some sort of young adult/college what have you thing starting up again. I don't wish to limit this to one particular age group. I hope all ages can come and feel the freedom of the Spirit during that time.

KAK COLLAB

This our collaboration project in the making.

Verse1:
I wanted You near
Cause You are
I wanted Your touch
Cause You are
I wanted Your love
Cause You are
More than I see

Verse2:
I will not hide
Cause You are
I will not run
Cause You are
I will not turn
Cause You are
Surrounding me

Chorus:
I will call You Holy (Jesus)
I will call You Savior (Jesus)
I will call You Worthy (Jesus)
I will call You by name (Set us free)

Rich with a Cup O Tea

I had the best dream last night and woke up feeling so refreshed. I told my Dad thank you and thank you. All it really consisted of was John Paul Jackson praying for me. But during that time I sensed the Spirit so strong, as if I were actually sinking into Him. Anyway, the theme of thankfulness and gratitude was on my heart even as I continued to read a little from a book of mine. So I wrote a little thing and here it is. I was just trying to say that you get the most wonder out of life from appreciating the small things that He give us everyday and fellowship with our family.

It seems today I've no one left to thank
I'm so grateful that this life is mine
I told the mailman he gets it here on time
I told my friend we're laughing at the impossible past
I told my dad you're alot of what I want to be

But there's still a sky full of possibility
And there's wonder even in the night
If I had a chance to tell you my mind
We might miss our plane and those great big dreams
We're one in the same, rich with a cup of tea

What's Up Yo

Tonight Katie, Carly and I gathered to do a little worshipping together. We talked about our preferred styles and tastes, did a little praying and then started singing to my limited guitar skills. We sang whatever what was on our hearts and anything that stood out Katie wrote down. Then I took that stuff and put it into some form. I think what we have is gonna be a really cool worship song. We want to do it together one Sunday. I'll post it soon. Carly has a higher, black gospel sorta voice. I can really see her singing out in the background at certain spots. Katie's is higher also but not as high as Carly's. And then I come in with the ole Celtic Folk feel. It was a very freeing and fun time. Last night I had a dream that I was talking to Rick on the phone about us three getting together. He started to cry because he was pleased that we were doing that. Many times in the past I believe Rick has represented the Father in my dream.

Thursday I am meeting with a girl I went to highschool with to talk about working for the Roanoke Times. She does photography for them and she has good connections with other staff writers. I am eager to venture into this side of writing whilst getting paid for it. But I'm not sure what it will entail. So be praying for me that the Lord will open the right doors and close the wrong ones.

If you have any suggestions let me know...I can try to make changes. This copy is so marked up it's going to need to be copied. Sorry this pic isn't very clear. Just thought you'd like to check it out.

This is Our Battle

People are getting together tonight after dance in the sanctuary to pray and war for Brandon. I wish I could be there unfortunately I have to work. So if you can spare thirty minutes or so please do it. A few of us are going to try to meet at least once a week to persevere in this. And remember to pray in faith, not in fear. Confess what you don't see till you do. He's part of our body and passivity has no place here.

Hosea

Well this has been on my heart for a while. I would love to hear it put to a ballad-like tune on the piano...hint hint. So Chris if you have some stuff floating around in that noggin' of yours that would be way cool. I want to keep it simple. Anyway, let me know if you come up with anything. I think the piano would really compliment it.


I'm calling it Hosea for right now cause that's where the inspiration came from.

Verse1:
This one You said she’s beautiful
And You knew her so deeply
before her days began as a child
Everything she would be wonderful
In her youth trusting a holy love

Verse2:
It was You who taught her to walk
She walked away into other arms
sold her heart for a dying comfort
when all along it was Your healing
It was Your pleasure she needed

Chorus1:
Then You said one day
You’re gonna change your mind
One day you will loose Me
in the sands of Achor
But I won’t leave
No I’ll never leave
For there you’ll find the door
that leads to freedom

Chorus2:
Then You said one day
You’re gonna change your mind
One day you will remember Me
in the sands of Achor
Still I love all the same
Still I love all the more
No longer call me master
but find me your husband

Warrior

Here's an image I had to get down this morning. There's really not a form or set rhyme scheme, as is common in all my stuff I suppose. But I thought I'd share it nonetheless.

I am a warrior
I rise with the sun
The light on my face
I strap on my breastplate
I fit it to my size
I examine my sword
Its sharpened by His hand
I throw it into the air
Cutting the morning mist
I breathe heavily
And sheathe my weapon
By the belt of Truth
I am warrior
For the sake of peace
And justice and righteousness
I clothe my legs
In the strength of the Spirit
I walk in His ways
And seek His face
I clasp my feet
With the steadfastness of peace
For all endurance
Through patience given
So that I may run in such a way
As to win the prize
And at last my eyes
Are hidden behind
A helmet of salvation
His grace I wear upon my mind
Until we will see Him as He is
Face to face
I am a warrior
Ready for battle
In the name of the Lord of Hosts
His is the victory
His is the glory
His is the honor forever

Hickory

Well looks like I'm gonna hit up Morningstar this Friday and then crash at the Mearns' until Alan's show Saturday night. I'm looking forward to hearing some awesome music on both ends! I feel like I'm leaving for Ireland all over again. Tear drop, drip, drip. I was watching Dances with Wolves the other night and the fact that Costner is living admist a group of people who don't speak his language and whose culture is completely different from his, made me miss Serbia and Macedonia. As I watched Su Mani Tu Tanka Owachi (my spelling of course) attempt to learn their speach I was reminded of my own endeavors to learn Serbian and Macedonian. The experience is exciting and rewarding. I hope to return soon, perhaps with the interns this May.

Chris...we have a part for Meg in the video. It's a cracked-out part but I think she would be perfect. That's me making light of something that I think will be very powerful. Anyway, I'm sure we'll talk more later about it.

Updates

Saturday went great...thanx to all who came out! I am eager to hear the finished product whilst getting other songs rolling on the recording phase. Keith seems to have ideas flowing for an ashes remix. For the video though I think I will use the original b/c it is 8 minutes and the remix will probably be half that. Hopefully I can get a copy to you Neil before you head out. I hear VA Tech plays originals on their radio station so I'm thinking of sending them a copy. Why not?

Looking forward to going to Hickory Saturday night. I'm eager to meet some of the peops coming. It should be a great show. Gracie put your snib down!

Death to Fatalism

It's odd how common the phrase "Que sera, sera" really is among a culture far from the time of Greek rule. Whatever will be, will be. Odd to me because the youth and young adults of this age seem to declare very ardently that they want it their way. So which is it? I am reading a great book right now by Ravi Zacharias, an apologist equalling C.S. Lewis, I would say. It's called Recapture the Wonder. I read a chapter while at work one day and then decided to buy it. Zacharias writes that "fatalism is the creed of a will that is dying to its possibilities and seeks to drag the imagination with it. Resignation to life as a 'so it is' carved in stone is the cynical response of the one who does not know the grand triumph of the imagination that God has fashioned for us." A Spanish mystic is quoted as saying: "May God deny you peace and give you glory." I don't think finding wonder, the fulfillment of hope in our dreams, the enchantment of our emotions, is as difficult as we make it out to be but there is certainly a cost. The cost is not denying ourselves of our dreams. I am reminded of Lewis' argument in Screwtape. If we forsake the things we enjoy only to do the right thing then the enemy has a hand on us for we've lost a part of our heart to him. Eventually "doing the right thing" grows boring to us and we've mistaken that for who God is. Thus God is boring to us. Zacharias makes a similar argument. Wonder in life restores an eternal enchantment to our senses without forsaking reason. I think having a fatalistic mindset is as tragic as forsaking a dream. Jesus said that the violent take the kingdom by force, did He not? Who is the ruler of circumstances and death and disease on this earth? Why would letting be what will be turn out any other way than according to the enemy's design? As Christians we're given tools to access eternal resources and wisdom. But such precious jewels will only be found once we cut through the waste and distraction. I suppose I might just see things a little differently sometimes. I imagine that if I had to go to war for the sake of a city, those that hide themselves in the city would probably have an attitude much like the fatalists. If we lost, they would die at the hands of their enemy or live under oppression. If we won, they would eventually die anyway and not having fought at all they will never know what it meant to risk their lives for something greater than themselves. I would know at least a taste of true freedom, a freedom from the fear of destruction, and if I survived, having attuned my heart to the revelation of that wonder, I could thereafter recognize and receive any more to come.

A Bit of Ranting

You ever feel like everything you thought you were is snatched away instantly one day? And all your energy goes into fighting to know if those things you saw in yourself were true or if they were illusion? That's how I've felt for the better of five months probably. But I think the simple truth is that you would not be fighting if those things were not true. I think there is a difference between foolish zealousness and Spirit warring. With the latter you are given something from the Father that goes totally against what your circumstances are and who you appear to be at the moment. You don't know in your own heart if it is so. You almost wish you could wake up and hear something closer to reality: you're a failure etc. Then it's ok to settle. But no, the Father keeps speaking a higher calling. You can ignore what He's saying and settle into busyness or routine or distraction. Believe me, I have done all those things. Slowly your heart grows cold to the depths of the Spirit's guidance and wisdom. Foolish zealousness achieves the very same thing. I want to be such and such, I want to be so and so (not necessarily a particular person but someone you've created in your mind) at whatever cost. You gain the whole world. Alot of the time the enemy wants us to suceed b/c we have more authority to do harm to ourselves and others. The Father never stops telling us who we are to Him. We might be able to run for a time but then the truth is always so much more devastating to our hearts when He does get a hold of us again. I mean that in a bitter-sweet way; we are grateful because the forgiveness is more than we'll ever be able to repay.

All that to say, I have come to some conclusion about who I am through the past months. And it's not failure or foolishness. I was even angry with God one day. I told him, "Not only do people think I'm crazy, they think You're crazy!" As my mom always intervenes with, I care too much about others opinions. So I asked the Lord to forgive me. But then, I read in a book by Ravi Zachiarrias about how Israel rejected the Lord through the history of the prophets. God warns Israel to keep Him close to their hearts or else they will forget He is the One who delivered them from Egypt. What happens?--they forget. The most poignant to my heart was when he got to Hosea. You know the story. Israel is compared to a harlot who rejected the Lover that found her as a child, cared for her, and then married her. The Lover continued to love despite Israel's unfathifulness. However, it gets worse. When the story continues to Malachi, God is even more hurt. Now we are not harlots. We are worse. We pay others to sleep with us and then we declare, "How God have you helped us?" But God does not stop at their bickering and forget them. He says He will send His Son.

I don't care how people view me so much anymore. I don't care if I think myself a fool or a failure if it's not what He sees. I know He will deal with those who think lightly of Him or who do not think on Him at all and it will be in a way I cannot imagine.

Cool Dream

My family and I drove this van to the moon. I knew that you could buy tickets for around $4500 dollars to get there. I remember them opening the van doors and me thinking I would not be able to breathe. Once outside though dad and I drove around on a small vehicle. There were plateaus of snow and then huge mountains that had grass on them. Dad was driving pretty fast and then he went off a small cliff; though it scared me he knew what he was doing. We ended up in some house where more people came to have a prayer meeting. Someone had taken my "Part of Me" song and produced it w/ some other girl's bv's. We sat in a circle to hear people's prayer needs. And that's about all I remember.

It's been a hard month. Not in the sense of extreme battling but having to catch those little foxes. Part of me feels like it's just plain lazy and forgets what it means to have discipline. At the same time it's been a rewarding month with music and fellowship breakthroughs. I'm excited about new opportunities opening up. I've been so blessed by knowing His faithfulness.

New Year Brings in New Times

Real quick....I had so much fun playing with Ben and Neil tonight on that new song of mine. Ben picked up what I wanted to hear very fast and Neil was right behind him with his drumming. I feel like it a was a sort of stepping out for me. I wasn't with Dad or Chris whom I usually play with. I'm learning to move in His confidence and it is so freeing! I can't wait to hear the electric and bass added to the song. We definately have to work out some of the kinks but for the first time playing it, I was so blessed. Thank You King Jesus...You are so faithful. You always sweep me off my feet when I least expect it. I love the people here You've placed in my life who are so willing to walk beside me and sacrifice their time and talent. I just absolutely love hearing everyone's abilities meshing together to glorify You.

PS Chris when are you coming home? We gotta play some together soon too!!!

PPS It wasn't ashes but the failfulness one. We can do ashes whenever bodgy is free.

PPPS I loved King Kong! I liked the captain and Adrian Brody. Visual stunning....I don't think I have ever said "Oh my gosh" so many times in one hour. And I can't say I have ever cried over an ape before. Jack Black you're a jerk!

Holiday Spoils

Favorite Random gifts:

hand-crafted drawing book
Narnia X-box game
Bob Dylan t-shirt from Buckle

Favorite Recent Purchases:

Vest from Banana Republic
Molly Williams cd, Flyleaf cd (yes I did it)

Things to look forward to:

The Numbers show January 16th (Grace Mearns' bro's new band)
recording Ashes and others
going through the worship team process (haha)

Merry Christmas!

Modifications Set #2

Yo yo what up to all my fans. Hhmm I had all this random funniness to say but it all slipped away. Beware to all who cross my path in the next oh say for the rest of my life...I might tell ya what I really think of you. :) I was so proud of myself last night at work. This guy who is usually very friendly and chatty just started an argument with me. AND I hate to argue...I really do. I usually try to avoid it at all costs. But that's not the way to go either. So I said what I thought and got mad but didn't feel hurt afterwards. It was great. Today I was able to tell dad what I really wanted to get out of this song we're working on and that was good too; instead of just being like "oh cool..." In the words of Harry (from when Harry met Sally) "I feel like I am growing." ANyway...I've been changing that song around some more. Here's how it reads as of right now.

Verse1:
I’m just a kid falling in quicksand
I know it’s obvious all my sin
But You fan this eternal spark
I got into more of Your passion
On the clearest day it’s us speaking
till the joy and the rain make me clean

Pre-Chorus:

Cause when I cry out to You like a little child

Yeah You turn all my fears into something wild
(last time through: You answer me, You comfort me, You cherish and adore me)


Bridge:

I’ve been with you where ever you’ve gone

And I will not take away My unfailing love


Chorus:

How great is His faithfulness, how great it is

How great is His faithfulness, how great


Verse2:
I try to hide, me and Jesus
It’s plain I run, time and again
When I’m out of breath, feeling worthless
It’s easier to sleep and dream how
Your plans are deeper than the seas
and my best living is at Your feet

Modifications

Well I changed it up a bit to fit the music and also just what my heart wanted to say. Can't wait to get it really down and start singing it for some peops! I never meant for it to seem dismal...ie shea's response to the first time I posted it. It's more like a confession of how much we are sinners but all the more how faithful He is. The bridge was His response to me one day...it's somewhere in Isaiah I think. Anyway...need to play it with dad and get all the little bugs out.


Verse1:
I’m just a kid falling in quicksand
I know it’s obvious all my sin
But You fan this eternal spark
You fan it into Your passion

Pre-Chorus:

When I cry out to You like a little child

You turn all my fears into something wild


Bridge:

I’ve been with you where ever you’ve gone

And I will not take away My unfailing love


Chorus:

How great is His faithfulness, how great it is

How great is His faithfulness, how great


Verse2:
I try to hide, me and Jesus
It’s plain I run, time and again
But Your plans are deeper than the seas
and my best living is at Your feet

Jen and I decided that we wanted to dye our hair. I wanted red highlights and Jen wanted to dye hers darker with light brown highlights. Of course the reason that the price of professional hair care and Wal-mart bought products is about a $70 difference is this: mine turned out to be bright pink, and Jen had a sort of orangish tint. I have not laughed so hard...well I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard. So we immediately drove to Kroger, and re-dyed our hair. If my highlights had extended down to the tips I might have kept them. But instead the roots seemed to be the only thing that took the color. Anyway, it is a great story. I've been telling people all day at the expense of my pride. :) I wish I had taken a picture.

From Experiencing the Depths of Jesus Christ

Well I was given this book several years ago by Dustin Wauer. It is great for morning readings as the chapters are very short and read like devotionals. Something really spoke to me this morning. I love it when that little bit of warmth touches you somewhere deep inside, and you know you've been communing with the Divine. Let's have a pause.

Selah

I should say that feelings shouldn't dictate whether or not you know you've been hearing or experiencing God. Sometimes they do, sometimes there are none, yet there is still His voice. Usually the feelings are more intense in the beginning because He wants to encourage you that you can speak with Him. And then gradually they fade, or are more sparse, so as to build faith. It is impossible to please Him without faith. Do you think Noah or Abraham needed the little feelings or the faith to withstand almost a generation of ridicule and testing?

The quote:

Does abandonment end revelation? No, it does not. Quite the contrary, abandonment is the means that the Lord will use to give you revelation. The revelation you receive will come to you as reality rather than knowledge. This is made possible only by abandonment. You must remember to whom you are abandoning yourself.

As revelation comes to you, something happens; Jesus Christ actually makes an imprint of Himself upon your soul. Each time He comes to you, He leaves a new and different impression of His nature upon you.

Reflect on the last part in the contex of abandonment. He may come in many ways and forms but He is most real when we've chosen to just fall into Him. I prefer the reality of revelation as opposed to the knowledge kind. Both are legit. The reality kind is when you start to realize the Spirit is walking right beside you, or you're allowed a little glimpse into the beauty of the Father. I don't know if I've ever had an intense encounter with Jesus. I have seen Him in dreams...three times. I should make that my prayer for this season.

Oh wait, I take that back. Once in my room I was praying and there was one particular spot where I would look and I felt overwhelmed with the presence of the Lord. I kept hearing, the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. I would look back down at my journal, write for a minute, and look back to that spot. I'd feel another wave and the scripture again. I did not see anything but I knew the Lord was there. I suppose it was Jesus. But I shall pray for another encounter with Him all the same.